You know your ministry organization is unified and healthy when...

We assume and want to think that our ministries are unified and aligned when in fact they often are not. Why does it matter? Non unified ministries are simply a collection of independent ministries housed under a common name. This is true of many churches where each ministry does their own thing. It is also true of many mission organizations where various divisions or teams or missionaries are going their own way oblivious to a common and unified and aligned vision, mission and strategy. The net result is a dilution of missional effectiveness and organizational confusion along with competition among its parts.

Unified organizations have far greater potential for missional effectiveness because everyone is pulling in the same direction. Here are some of the characteristics of a unified, healthy organization.

One: There is a mission, vision and set of guiding principles that are common to all, that all leaders believe and live out and which their part of the ministries conform to. In other words the ministry has great clarity about who it is and what it is about. In addition, all ministries are on the same page and know what that page is. It is not as common as one might assume, nor easy to clarify what the whole ministry is about and just having these on paper somewhere does not count! 

Two: There is active cooperation, coordination and synergy between leaders across the ministry. This only works when the first characteristic is present. If there is not mission and vision that applies to the whole, the parts will not know how to cooperate and coordinate but are forced to do their own thing. Often in the absence of ministry clarity we try to force cooperation and synergy but it rarely works and usually creates significant frustration. The best glue among leaders and ministries is a common missional agenda that equally applies to all and which all can live out.

Three: All ministry leaders are evangelists for the same missional agenda. In a truly unified and healthy ministry, every key leader is equally passionate about the clearly defined purpose and vision of the ministry. In the organization I lead, ReachGlobal, I knew things had changed when people started telling me that they heard the same story from everyone they talked to along with the same passion.

Four: The senior team representing different ministry divisions sees itself as one united team based on common clarity rather than as representatives of the various ministries they oversee, merely coming to a common meeting table. Many church staff teams, for instance are not a united team based on common clarity but are rather attending a common meeting representing their own clarity. There is a critical difference between these two versions of team and that difference tells you whether the organization is truly united and healthy.

Five: The ministry as a whole and among its parts can point to results that reflect its clarity. The central ministry focus of ReachGlobal, for instance, is to develop, empower and release healthy ReachGlobal staff and healthy national leaders. To the extent that we live that out in each corner of the world where we work we are unified and healthy. To the extent that the ministry parts are focused on different priorities with different results we are not. 

These characteristics are markers of three simple facts about a unified and healthy ministry organization.

There is maximum ministry clarity for the whole that applies equally to each of its parts.

There is alignment by all around that maximum clarity.

There are results by all based on that maximum clarity.

If that is true of your organization, you are truly a unified organization. If it is not you have some work to do, starting with real clarity!

Facing our insecurities and overcoming them

Much personal dysfunction stems from personal insecurities that have not been addressed. For leaders this is particularly important because whatever behaviors stem from those insecurities will impact their staff and even the culture of their organization. Our insecurities certainly impact us as individuals. 

Since no one has perfect Emotional Intelligence, we all struggle at some level with insecurities. Healthy people understand those areas where they tend to be insecure and seek to manage or overcome them. 

How does one recognize insecurities? Since they stem from areas where we feel personally vulnerable, whenever we feel unease or our ego challenged we are probably dealing with an insecurity. If I, for instance, become defensive when challenged, I am most likely dealing with insecurity - the need to be right and the fear of being wrong! So the question I would need to ask is "why do I fear being wrong?" Why does it matter? Because the dysfunction if not addressed shuts down robust dialogue with others, keeps one from receiving input, creates defensiveness and inner turmoil when challenged. 

Think of some of these common dysfunctions:

• Fear of being wrong and a need to be right
• Fear of failure so I am driven to succeed
• Fear of people knowing the real us so we hide our areas of weakness and don't develop deep relationships
• Fear of not having the answer so we don't ask others for help
• Fear of not getting the credit so we downplay the contributions of others and find ways to platform ourselves
• Fear of people rejecting us so we tell people what they want to hear, don't differentiate ourselves or resolve conflict
• Fear of conflict so we gloss over issues rather than resolve them
• Fear of someone doing better than us so we put them down
• Fear of disappointing others so we never say no
• Fear of looking weak so we pretend to be something we are not

There are many more insecurities but the common word is fear! Whenever we have fears we are likely dealing with some kind of insecurity. While fear can be a positive emotion (the house is on fire and I run for my life) fears connected to insecurities are not and bring us pain and cause behaviors that hurt us and hurt others.

There are three questions related to insecurities worth pondering.

1. Where are my areas of fear and what are my insecurities?
2. What lies behind my personal insecurities? What causes them?
3. What can I do to either manage or overcome my insecurities? What behaviors do I need to change or manage? 

Don't underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit and a right understanding of our completeness in Jesus in this equation. He made us the way we are wired. We don't need to fear or prove anything to Him. If that is true, why do we live with fears or need to somehow prove ourselves to others. When we are complete in Jesus we have far less need to live with our insecurities and fears.

Never forget

Every December 4 through January 14 since 2007 I daily read the blog www.reachtj.blogspot.com as a remembrance to the hope we have in Jesus and the grace that he extends so freely to us. The blog is the account of my 42 day hospital stay from which I never should have survived - but God gave my family hope and He extended to me  the grace of an extension of life for which I am eternally grateful. 

The battle between life and death started on December 4 when I entered the hospital unable to breath. They quickly determined that I was in congestive heart failure and had massive pneumonia and a huge pleural effusion (a collection of fluid in the wall of the lung-like having a liter of pop stuck inside your lung wall). What they would not know for a week was that it was MRSA  or Methicyllin resistant staphylococcus aureas- a "super bug" pneumonia. This would lead to septic shock, Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome, a failed mitral valve in my heart, high fevers that required ice cooling jackets, the shutting down of some of my organs, heartbeats of 220 or higher without the ability to shock my heart back into rhythm - all this while I was in a coma and on a ventilator. On a number of occasions the doctors gathered the family to prepare them for my imminent death.

Amazingly God gave my wife, Mary Ann, hope two days into this ordeal. Two days later was the day that I told her I believed I was going to die. It was the day that they would put me on a ventilator from which I should not have woken up alive. It was the day that I could barely breath as I felt I was drowning in my own fluids. But two days before that day as she sat by me bed she asked Jesus, "How should I pray?" And God replied in an audible voice (to her), "It will be very close, but T.J. will live." A voice of hope when there was no human hope. A voice of hope that she clung to during the next weeks of a life and death struggle. When the doctors gently told the family there was no hope she stood on the hope God had given her. She was a rock of faith as were my sons Jon and Chip who walked through the dark days with her and became men in the process. I owe a deep debt of gratitude to the love and perseverance of Mary Ann, Jon and Chip!

Our family experienced amazing grace during and after those days. Our prayer partners came to pray and love on the family. Friends gathered around and sheltered them in their love. And time and again, God gave His grace when it was needed. One night as my youngest sister was standing by my bed angry with God tired and discouraged, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Immediately she knew that it was going to be OK whether I lived or I died. She turned to see who was there but there was no one. She knew she had been touched by God or an angelic being. On another day, a nurse came in tears to Mary Ann and said through tears, "I was just in T.J.'s room and God gave me a vision of him alive and well!"

People often ask me what I remember from my coma. Only one thing. I knew that my lungs were ruined but that God had a set of perfectly healthy lungs for me. That was the Spirit's encouragement to me when I was deeply sick and unable to process what was going on. Another blessing!

Most of all we were blessed through the thousands who prayed for God to do something miraculous and extraordinary. It is the faith and prayers of thousands around the world whom God answered in His sovereignty in choosing to heal my broken heart, clear my lungs, defeat MRSA, septic shock, cool the fevers until the day I walked out of the hospital on January 14, a product of His grace.

God gives us hope in all situations and His grace is with us always. Think back to the situations you have been in where He has shown you His hope and His grace and never forget. Never forget! It is His grace that sustains us day to day, it is His hope that walks with us through the dark nights of the soul that we all experience. Someone asked me, "How do you remember?" One of the ways I remember is to read the blog put up for me daily from December 4 to January 14. It is a month of remembrance for me.  I will follow that practice until I see Jesus face to face and can thank Him in person. 

I am a walking billboard of God's hope and grace. So are you. Never forget. Always live in thanks for His hope and grace. 

http://www.reachtj.blogspot.com/

The object of our anger in sinful situations

Recently I had to struggle with the failure of a Christian leader who I admired and respected. The pain of his actions have impacted numerous people including those who were closest to him. There have been the normal emotions of anger, betrayal, disappointment, grief and amazement at the behavior. These are normal emotions which only time, forgiveness and reconciliation can heal. Fortunately, no act of sin is beyond Jesus's work for us on the cross so I remain hopeful.

It did raise some questions for me, however. How does one respond in such a situation? I know that forgiveness is necessary and the twin roads of accountability and grace are the means to healing. But I was also struck by two other emotions.

The first is that I was angry with sin. Think about the pain in your own life that has been inflicted by others. Then consider the pain that has been inflicted by ourselves to us and to others. Sin is ugly and painful and harmful to all concerned. I hate sin and the more of it I find in my life or see its workings in others the more I hate it. There is nothing good or redeeming or worthwhile about sin. That is why Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice to forgive our deep, innate, wicked sinfulness. 

Anger at sin is an appropriate emotion - perhaps even more than anger at those who perpetuate it. That does not let them off the hook but it is a reminder that the effects of the fall are huge and universal and very personal. I think of the pain my own sin has had on those I love and it makes me sad. 

Then I found myself angry at Satan. He loves sin and the destruction and carnage it brings while God hates sin and died for it. Satan is a master at using sin to destroy relationships, people, ministry, families and whatever he can. This is the point that Paul was making in Ephesians 6. Behind every sinful action is a sinful being whose minions are ever working to hurt and destroy and kill. Especially those who follow Jesus.

Finally I found myself sad for the one who violated trust and those whose trust was violated. I was reminded of the need for spiritual armor and vigilance in my own life. The phrase "there but for the grace of God" became more clear in my own mind. We are all fallen and vulnerable apart from the grace and power of Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

Am I disappointed with my friend? Does he need to confess and make restitution? Are there people who should be angry with his actions? Are there consequences to his actions? All yes. And I have often been disappointed with myself. But my anger is largely focused on sin itself and the one who is the author of sin, Satan. And I am even more aware of the vulnerability of us all, living in a fallen world - the legacy of our first parents, Adam and Eve. And the need we have for Jesus and salvation and the power of the Holy Spirit in our daily lives. I will not throw the first stone in condemnation! I will encourage him toward wholeness.

Markers of grace filled organizations

A culture of grace is something that we aspire to in the ministry world. The question is what does a grace filled organization look like? Some of the answers may surprise you.

Grace filled organizations treat their people well starting with clearly defined job descriptions, expectations and regular and clear feed back. You ask, what does that have to do with grace? Everything! Without these elements, staff do not know what their boundaries are or where they are empowered which creates frustration, can get them into inadvertent trouble and is really a culture of uncertainty. A culture of uncertainty cannot be a culture of grace.

When there are performance issues, grace filled organizations take the time to have candid discussion with staff to determine how to solve the issue. In many ministries, in the name of grace, such conversations don't happen because we don't want to create conflict. However, ignoring performance issues is not grace but a great disservice to a staff member. 

Once the issues have been identified, the question is "how can we help this individual succeed?" Maybe it is coaching. Maybe they are in the wrong lane and it is restructuring their role. It could even result in a job and organization change to get them into a place that is compatible with who they are. Facing up to issues with staff and handling them honestly is a marker of grace. Avoidance is not!

When something goes wrong, grace filled organizations don't ignore it but conduct an autopsy without blame. They want to identify, what went wrong, why it did so, and what could prevent it from going south in the future. The focus is to understand but not to cast blame. Sure someone is responsible but simply blaming people does not solve future issues. If there are candid discussions to be had one needs to have them but the goal is redemptive not punitive. I find many staff, especially who are new to our organization surprised by this philosophy. They are not used to it but deeply appreciate it.

Grace filled organizations go out of their way to be of help when staff members face critical issues in their lives. Staff are not means to an end but deeply important for who they are and people made in God's image and members of the team. This can mean any number of things, even breaking normal protocol. People matter and our commitment to fellow staff shows when they face a crisis. Is it an irritation to us or an opportunity to be Jesus to them? How we respond makes all the difference.

Finally, grace filled organizations treat everyone with respect. There are no little people in an organization characterized by grace. Our interactions are not determined by where someone is in the organizational chart. It is the whole team, no one member of the team that makes ministry possible. The measure of my respect of people is not how I treat those above me or beside me but how I treat and interact with those who are below me in the organizational  chart. 

Are you a purveyor of hope or pessimism?

I meet many Christ followers who live with and communicate pessimism about life, current events and their own situations. I meet others who leave you encouraged, filled with hope and energized. Frankly I like to be around the second set a whole lot more than the first set. But it raises a question for me relative to our world view.

Think about the meaning of the gospel. It means good news. Think about the descriptions that Jesus uses regarding Him, that good news and our lives in the gospels. I take these words and phrases straight from the gospels: eternal life; life; he who comes to me will never be hungry or thirsty; living water; freedom; I am the way the truth and the life; you will bear much fruit; that your joy may be complete; peace I give to you; forgiveness; I am the bread of life; neither to I condemn you; I go to prepare a place for you.

If all that is true, how can we be purveyors of pessimism or live with it? Is it not a denial of all that God has done for us? It is like we are saying to God, "you didn't do enough," or "I don't appreciate what you have done for me." I wonder what God thinks when He hears His children, saved by His Son's blood, forgiven at great cost, given freedom and hope live with complaints and pessimism? Jesus and pessimism are frankly incompatible.

Our very salvation should move us from an attitude of pessimism to one of hope - no matter who we are or what our situation is. Changed hearts should lead to changed attitudes. From a life of complaint to a life of thanksgiving. 

What is the antidote to pessimism? Scripture is very clear: thanksgiving to God for all of His gifts. How often does Paul tell us to give thanks for all of His blessings? Reading a Psalm every day is also helpful. They overflow with the blessings of God - even in the midst of the deepest valleys (Psalm 23) which is why we turn to them in times of trouble. Memorize the promises of God. What gets put in our heads comes back to inform our thinking and attitudes.

This is all about a world view. While most of the world has reason to be pessimistic no Christ follower does. We are sons and daughters of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords whose hand upholds the universe, who is our king, redeemer, lord, savior, rock, rescuer, help in times of trouble and all the other descriptions we find in Scripture. With all that I want to live with hope and be a purveyor of hope to all those around me. And you?

Conditional love is toxic love

Many people I know grew up in homes characterized by conditional acceptance and love - based on their performance. Along with conditional love comes a shame based culture where all "failures" are met with overt or or subtle messages  of dissaproval from parents. 

Conditional love by parents is toxic love which causes all kinds of personal dysfunctions on into adulthood. It impacts one's view of themselves and one's view of God in deeply negative ways. Many struggles that last long into adulthood can be traced back to conditional love by parents.

Those who grew up with conditional love often believe they are never good enough: for themselves; for others and for God. This drives them to prove to all three that they are in fact good enough. How many men, for instance, are driven to prove to their fathers that they are worthy of their father's approval and love - sometimes long after their father has died! Driven people who have something to prove are often trying to prove something to parents who did not unconditionally love them. They also live with the daily private pain that they don't measure up. A legacy of a shame based rather than grace based upbringing.

That pain leads to lack of self acceptance, a drive to prove oneself, and living with a deep wound in the soul. It can lead to all kinds of unhealthy behaviors and addictions that come from the pain of never being "good enough." On the one hand we feel we need to prove ourselves. On the other hand we know we are not good enough. That double bind can lead alternatively to having impossibly high standards for oneself and unhealthy behaviors since we don't respect ourselves. It is a painful and confusing place to live.

Even more serious is the impact on one's relationship with God. How many people are still trying to earn God's favor by their service, obedience and energy, even after they are Christ followers? Yet the whole premise of grace is that we cannot and need not earn His favor. His forgiveness and grace was bought on the cross in His death and resurrection. It is freely given to people who don't deserve it. 

Not only that but there is nothing we can do to make God love us more and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less. His love is free and unconditional to all who choose Him. Not once in Jesus' ministry did he shame or show dissaproval to those who came to Him in faith. Rather he freely forgave, never shamed but accepted them and called them to a life of followership and obedience. 

Think about this: There are many churches that are performance based - rules, regulations, expectations about all kinds of issues that are just plain legalism. That conditional acceptance is toxic, antithetical to grace and creates wounded faith and graceless Christianity.

Those who grow up in homes where there is unconditional love find it much easier to understand the love of Jesus. After all, they did not need to live up to some standard for their parents to love them. Those who grew up with conditional love often see God as a God of conditional love who is performance rather than grace based. A sad legacy of conditional love in childhood.

If you are a parent, think carefully about the messages you are sending your children. If you grew up with toxic love, do what you need to do to get free so that you can accept yourself, live without the need to prove something to others or to God and to relax in the freedom of Grace.

Looking and praying for open ministry doors

Those of us who are engaged in ministry whether in the local church, missions or elsewhere are always looking for ways and opportunities to minister more effectively and reach more people with the Good News. We have our strategies and our plans - all good. But a huge part of that strategy out to be a specific prayer and an intentional practice.

The prayer is that God would open specific doors of opportunity. The practice is that we are always looking around us for the doors He is opening. We do not open doors to ministry opportunity. God does. Our job is to be praying that He would do so and aware when He does.

Paul recognized this in his ministry. In 1 Corinthians 16:9 he says that "a great door for effective work has opened to me." Later he writes "Now when I went to Troas to preach the gospel of Christ and found that the Lord had opened a door for me (2 Corinthians 2:12)." In Colossians 4:3 he says, "pray for us, too that God may open a door for our message" 

Paul recognized that it was God who opened ministry doors and he intentionally prayed that He would. And he constantly watched for the opportunities that God presented. 

One of the common lessons in mission work is that the door we think will be open is often not while an unexpected door we never thought about is. Unless we are watching and praying we can often miss the real opportunities where God is opening a door. 

All of this is a reminder that we join God in His work. It is not our work. 

Those who lead from the second chair

These are special people! Because they are not the senior leader, they don't get the public recognition that senior leaders get, yet their fingerprints are on everything the organization does and they are often more involved in the details and issues than the senior leader.

These are the executive pastors, and the group of leaders who work with Senior leaders. 

It takes a special kind of individual to lead from the second chair. Humility because they won't get the limelight. Servant spirit because they serve both the senior leader and those they supervise. Flexibility because they don't always have the last word. Intuitive ability because they need to exegete the thinking and mind of the senior leader regularly. Courage because they often need to deal with tough situations. Collegial spirit because they work in tandem. High capacity because they must get involved with a wide variety of issues. Patience because they are often dealing with busy and sometimes distracted senior leaders.

Large organizations cannot exist in health without those who lead from the second chair. In fact, if a senior leader looks good - guess why that is? I often get recognition (as a senior leader) for things in ReachGlobal. The truth is that it is those who lead from the second chair who should get the bulk of the credit, not me. In our case this includes 13 individuals.

If you are a senior leader, never forget that it is not about you! And always remember the second chair leaders who make so much possible. 

Issues that put a leaders job at high risk

Leaders live with a higher level of job risk than many others. Ironically, once they achieve a leadership role they often relax rather than pay the close attention they need to critical issues that contribute to the kind of healthy leadership that leads to longevity. I have watched leaders ignore these issues and be surprised when they lost their leadership role often in less than pleasant circumstances.

The risk increases with one's leadership tenure because the demands of a growing ministry become higher and the tendency to relax and lose focus also increase. If you lead, whether a team or division or organization, think about how you are doing in the following areas which are critical to leadership longevity.

Defining clarity. The first job of a leader is to provide maximum clarity to the organization or part of the organization they lead as to what they are about. The second job is to ensure that there is full alignment around that clarity and the third job is to ensure that there are results based on that clarity. When a leader fails to continue to provide significant clarity the organization or team starts to wander and staff become restless - a dangerous symptom for a leader.

Focusing on the missional agenda of the organization. While this may seem obvious it is easy over time to slip from leading to managing the status quo. Once we stop leading toward greater effectiveness we essentially plateau the organization or part of the organization we lead. The lack of forward progress and pro-active leadership becomes an irritant to other good staff who look to their leader to provide direction and lead boldly.

Leading a healthy team. Again, this may seem obvious but all too often, leaders start to neglect the health, unity and strength of their team. This may be because they are not working with their team to drive the missional agenda forward and the team starts to wonder what their real agenda is. It is also possible that leaders start to focus on their agenda rather than the team's agenda and the team starts to feel that they are not a priority to their leader anymore. When leaders start to lose the confidence of their team they are in a dangerous place.

Dealing with critical organizational issues. There are always issues that if ignored will hurt the organization or if pursued will help the organization. Many of them can be difficult: staff who don't belong anymore; structures that don't work well; paradigms that our outdated and need to change and other threats or opportunities. 

Often, leaders tackle such issues early in their tenure but tend to move toward comfort later in their tenure - leaving critical issues untended to. This is why new leaders often need to clean up messes or issues ignored by their predecessor. When we stop being aggressive about critical organizational issues we have moved from leadership to management of the status quo.  Good staff notice and become discouraged because they want to give their time and energy to something of significance.

Ensuring that the organization delivers on its mission. I am frankly amazed at how many leaders (and their boards) do not look realistically at what they are accomplishing relative to their stated mission. Because our bottom line is not financial like the business world it is easy to gloss over substandard results. Poor results are frankly the outcome of the previous issues not being properly addressed. Eventually this catches up to a leader as boards and/or staff start to ask hard questions.

Focus and vigilance are hallmarks of good leaders. Once we lose our edge it is hard to get it back. If we lose the confidence of our core team we can no longer lead well and we are in a risky place. Leaders can relax in who they are but they cannot relax in leading well and staying energized in that role. Like the proverbial frog in the kettle, it is easy to lose our edge and not even know it until we lose key staff, the confidence of our team or of our board and we find ourselves sidelined. 

Nine overlooked but unhealthy character issues in leaders

Leaders often get a pass on character issues that are not blatantly sin but are problematic nevertheless. This is especially true of leaders who can produce results and it is not uncommon for results to trump character in our evaluation of leaders. 

The problem is that these overlooked character issues do in fact matter. Allowing them to continue is dangerous for the leader as these traits generally grow rather than diminish if not checked. It is also dangerous for the organization and in fact puts the organization at risk both of a problematic culture and the possibility that their leader will get himself/herself into trouble because of these character issues.

Supervisors, colleagues and boards all should be aware of these problematic behaviors and find ways to press into them when they see them - for everyone's sake. No matter how good someone is, these behaviors are a loss for everyone!

Never being wrong. This may mean a lack of admission, blaming others when things go wrong, spiritualizing them away or not apologizing to those for whom wrong decisions had a negative impact. Not admitting errors or bad decisions is a sign either of an insecure or prideful leader. Often the two go together.

Spiritualizing everything. This behavior is problematic on two counts. First, people usually spiritualize when something goes wrong and they don't want to take personal responsibility. Second, it is the "God card." To push back on something that God is "responsible for"  is pretty hard. Lot's of things are not spiritual. They are what they are and they are the results of decisions we have made.

Manipulative behavior. If you feel manipulated in a relationship it is probably present. This can take many forms but its design is to use you for their purposes. Manipulative behavior is really about using others for outcomes we want and is thus a violation of the free will of other people. It is wrong, violates other people and a sign of a personality disorder in the one who uses it.

Exaggeration. This is usually about ministry results or it may also be about ministry possibilities or plans. Exaggeration is dishonesty whether through overly optimistic thinking or wanting to paint a picture so good that it violates truth. It is salesmanship over the top rather than truthful and factual and it goes to the heart of what it means to speak truth and to avoid untruths.

Information withholding. This is actually a form of control and manipulation. As a leader, if I withhold information that could and should be known by others I have power that they don't have. It is very effective and very unhealthy. Some leaders will share information that makes them or their cause look good but carefully withhold information that would do the opposite. It is a dishonest, manipulative and self serving behavior.

Unwillingness to listen. This behavior conveys an arrogance that I have the answers, I know the direction, I don't need you and you have little to contribute to my thinking. Eventually this behavior and attitude will contribute to problems if not a train wreck. Those who will not listen carefully to others are displaying a dangerous autonomy.

Anger if crossed. This is both a sign of self importance and entitlement - how dare you disagree with me - and well as manipulative - this is what happens when you cross me. Autonomous people don't like to be challenged and autonomous people are dangerous in leadership. Anger shuts down alternative views and robust dialogue.

For or against mentality. This behavior rewards those who agree with and push the agenda of the leader and punishes those who disagree or speak candidly. Those who agree are insiders while those who disagree find themselves outsiders. Like, anger, this behavior shuts down alternate views and robust and healthy dialogue. 

It is not uncommon for those with this behavior to reward their inner circle with gifts, compliments and praise while being critical and cool toward the outsiders. Again, this is manipulative behavior designed to allow the leader to get his/her way and accomplish their agenda. They have the skill of making insiders feel very good and outsiders very bad - even abandoned.

Self importance. All of this is about an inflated self importance and the assumption that "I am the one who can make this ministry flourish." Without me it will fail or be much less than it is with me. Self importance must elevate self and to do that it must also devalue others and their contribution. When it becomes about the leader, healthy team is impossible.

These behaviors are antithetical to the leadership style and teaching of Jesus. They are also destructive to team and devaluing of others. When we choose to overlook them we end up hurting the ministry we represent and the staff who are impacted. 

Grace Magnets

Want to be a magnet of grace like Jesus? Consider these attitudes!

• Yes I will forgive you
• I am so sorry for what you are walking through. How can I help?
• I accept you for who you are including your brokenness.
• I want the best for you.
• I will tell you the truth but always with grace - like Jesus.
• There is no sin that is not redeemable. Will you let me walk you toward Jesus and wholeness?
• You can tell me anything about yourself and I will still love you and accept you.
• You are important. There are no little people with God. Others may not feel you are important but I do.
• I will not judge you for choices you make even though they are not the choices I might make. 
• I will not play the Holy Spirit in your life but will point you to Jesus and Scripture.
• If I need to confront you I will do it with humility and grace knowing how broken I am.
• I will be transparent with you about my own life and struggles.
• I will choose to love you even if you betray me.
• I want you to see Jesus in me.
• I will be there for you in times of difficulty and trouble.
• If you are one of the "least of these," I will treat you like one of the "greatest of these."

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth (John 1:14)."

Grace busters

While there is a great deal of talk about grace in the church there is often a remarkable lack of it among Christians. Amazing grace does describe the posture of Jesus toward us. It often does not describe the posture of believers toward one another. 

Think about these grace busters:

• Gossip
• unforgiveness
• Conditional acceptance
• Exclusion of certain people
• Lack of empathy
• Critical spirits
• Legalism
• Harsh words
• Judging motives
• Impatience with spiritual progress in others
• Spiritual masks that hide inner brokenness
• Judgmentalism
• Lack of acceptance

Grace is one of the most powerful magnets of people to Jesus and thus to Him through us. When it is present it is truly amazing grace. When it is absent it is a spiritual repellent. Let's be people who reflect he amazing grace of Jesus - who saved a wretch like us.

The upside of crisis situations

I don't relish dealing with crises. As an organizational leader, however, I must do so from time to time and as a ministry consultant it is not unusual to be asked to help ministries in crisis. One of the things I have learned in the process is that while all crises must be managed and many are painful, if handled well there are also positive opportunities. My advice to other leaders is never to miss the opportunities inherent in crisis. Let me explain.

When I think of crises I am thinking of a broad variety of issues with significantly impact an organization. It can be financial, the death of a key leader, the failure of a leader, a bad choice by a leader that impacts staff or partners or constituency, mass resignations over morale issues, major discontent on staff or other situations that force leaders to go into damage control to deal with a significant crisis. All of us in leadership can point to crises we have had to deal with: the list can be long.

But think about this:

Crisis situations can be a great clarifier. More than once in my long tenure with the EFCA we have faced major financial crises. Some because we overspent and had not controled budgets, other times because of the economy. Every time, however, we have been forced to ask the question, what is really important to us? What is central and core to our mission? What are we doing that is ancillary and needs to be set aside in order to focus on the core. These are not easy situations because they impact wonderful people but they are necessary conversations for ministries to have on a periodic basis.

Crisis situations can build greater trust between leaders and staff and constituencies. 
When crisis happens, the one thing staff and others often do not expect is that their leaders will be open, transparent and honest with them. There is so much spin in our world that we are not used to being trusted with the truth. Leaders who choose to tell the truth about the situation gain great trust from staff. Candid answers go a long ways in building greater trust.

Crisis situations allow you to refocus and change paradigms.
Change is often difficult when there is a perception that all is going well. In a crisis, everyone knows that this is not the case and it is often possible to make changes and to refocus with the crisis as the presenting reason. 

Crisis often flushes out other issues that need to be addressed.
Take for example, a financial crisis. The presenting issue is that there is a shortage of funds. But there may be other issues involved that you can and must now look at including: Are we focused on the right things; are there areas we could be consolidating for savings; do we have a clearly defined mission that causes our constituency to support us well; do we have staff who are under performing? Thus the presenting issue simply brings to the surface other issues that need addressing.

Crisis tests the mettle of leaders in a good way.
The test of leadership is not what happens when all is well but when it seemingly comes apart. Do they fact he issues squarely and honestly? Do they tell the truth or spin? Do they take corrective actions with courage? Do they convey hope or despair? Everyone reads their leadership carefully in crisis and watches their reactions and actions with equal care. 

Crisis builds faith and can unify.
If handled well, crisis can be a faith builder and unifier as leadership pulls the organization together to pray and to work with them to resolve hard issues. Here is a principle: healthy organizations unite in crisis while unhealthy organizations come apart. The difference is in the culture that exists and the kind of leadership the organization has. Our staff and constituency are our best help in crisis situations in a healthy organization. If disunity occurs, it is simply an indication that there are deeper underlying health issues that need to be addressed.

Never waste a crisis!

I am so very thanful

Dear Father:

I have so much to be thankful for this year. Every perfect gift comes from you. You are the source of my hope, the ever present help in trouble, the One who has walked with me through every joy and sorrow I have experienced. You are my rock, my salvation, my savior, my hope, my forgiver and everything I have. You are the great I am!

I thank you my family - all of them and how they enrich my life and challenge me.

I thank you for my Christian family who walk through life with me - fellow pilgrims on the journey.

I thank you for my friends for life who know me for who I am and still love me deeply. Examples of You and Your love.

I thank you for the friends I have seen leave this earth this year who I will one day see again with You. They are examples to me and were Jesus to me.

I thank you for meeting the needs I have. My daily bread is your gift. All that I have is from You and is Your provision.

I thank you for being with me through difficult times. The pain is often real but your presence is even more real.

I thank you for hope. Hope for tomorrow, next week, next month and next year and hope for eternity with You.

I thank you for the incarnation so that I can know you through Jesus in so real a way. Your visitation to this earth changed my life forever.

I thank you for grace and forgiveness. I need it so very much every day and You are always there and always faithful.

On this Thanksgiving day I simply thank You. You are my greatest gift on every day. 

Church vision must go beyond the Senior Pastor

I met recently with the leaders of a church who have just lost their senior pastor. They had three questions for me they wanted to discuss with the group. "Who are we?; "What do we do?" and "Where are we going?" in light of their Senior Pastor's leaving.

I told them that two of the three questions were easy because they as a leadership group along with their former pastor has clearly identified who they were and where they were headed with a sandbox! In other words, they had done the hard work of getting to clarity about God's call on their congregation and the fact that their senior pastor had left had not changed the equation. In fact, they had what any potential senior pastor would want to know - who are you and where are you headed? The question of what do we do now (in the interim) was the only issue they needed to discuss.

The direction of a church should not be dependent on who the senior leader is. They certainly have huge influence in charting it but every church has a DNA and a unique call from God which it must figure out and pursue. Leaders who do the hard work of identifying what God's call is on their congregation are not left directionless when a senior leadership transition takes place. It is the lack of such clarity that causes congregations to take huge swings in direction when leadership transitions take place.

Something to think about if you are a church leader!

This story will rock your world! From India

This is a wonderful story of God's grace and power from one of my dearest friends who ministers in India. Take a couple of minutes and be encouraged today. If God can do this, He can do anything!

https://vimeo.com/53877165 

How people respond to organizational change

Many are familiar with the bell curve that describes how people respond to change: innovators; early adapters; middle adapters; late adapters and laggards. In my experience in the change process I have another set of suggested categories to watch for. Where individuals are on this continuum from change resistors to evangelists for change makes a great difference when you are considering them for leadership positions either on staff or a board.

Resisters. Like the laggards on the bell curve, these are people who will actively resist change because they are simply wired that way. This is the individual who told me, "T.J., you can bring whatever change you want to the organization but don't expect me to do anything different." No rationale is going to change the mind of a resister.

Protectors. The protector is also highly resistant to change but for another reason. They believe in the status quo, the way things have been done in the past and they will actively try to protect "what is," rather than embrace "what could be." This was the individual who told me and many others that the changes I was bringing to ReachGlobal would destroy the mission. 

Cynics. This group is simply cynical about change unless the proposed change is their idea. They tend to view change as "the flavor of the month" and are often vocal about their opinion. Cynics generally don't trust leaders so proposals brought by leaders are quickly discounted.

Loyal followers. These individuals have a deep commitment to the organization and team. They accept change if there is a good rationale for it. These are staff who say, "Just tell me which direction we are going and I will go with you." 

Idealists. This is an interesting group with an upside and a downside when it comes to change. When creating change one inevitably creates a gap between what is and what should be. Idealists are highly impatient to get to what should be and believe that we should be there now. On the up side, they want the change. On the down side they can become highly critical that we have not arrived. Thus on any day they can be either an ally or a critic.

Realists. This group is supportive of change, realizes that it will take time and process and is generally comfortable with that process. They are helpful in realistically figuring out how to get there and can live with the tension of what is and what should be.

Change agents. These individuals not only support proposed changes but will be active agents in helping the organization get there. They are your front lines in speaking a new language, setting a new course and helping redesign philosophy and strategy.

Evangelists. These are the champions of change who publicly and privately live the change out, help others understand and get there and advocate for the new direction.

In my experience it is the realists, change agents and evangelists who will help drive change while the resisters, protectors and cynics will actively undermine change. Loyal followers and idealists will go with you but will not drive change. 

Think about the implications of these eight ways that people respond to change in terms of who you hire, who you put into leadership and who you ask to serve on a board. One church leader, after hearing these descriptions aptly commented, "no wonder so many boards are stuck." He is right. Resisters, protectors and cynics must be managed but beware of allowing them into positions of leadership and influence! 

A goal worth pursuing

Regular readers of this blog are aware that my father passed away a week ago. It fell to my elder brother Thomas to lead the memorial service on behalf of mom, the ten children and numerous offspring. It was not an easy assignment but he did a masterful job of capturing the person, legacy and most importantly the faith of my dad. 

No one is perfect, not even remotely - something that is often not evident listening to eulogies. I have been to memorial services where the person being described bears no resemblance to the individual I knew. We live in a fallen world where no one escapes the curse of sin and its effects. 

But Thomas caught the essence of Dad and a goal of my life when he said "Dad was not perfect but he kept getting better." To the end, into his mid eighties, he kept getting better as he continued to allow Jesus to renovate his life and as he pursued Him and obedience to Him. That is a goal worth pursuing!

The heart of followership of Jesus is allowing Him to re-image us into the us He created us to be. It starts with our decision to follow Him where He justifies us and forgives our sin. It continues with the ongoing process of spiritual renovation - sanctification - as we allow the Holy Spirit to work in our lives. 

The commitment to continue to follow Jesus more closely as we walk through life makes all the difference. It is so easy to settle with what is rather than to pursue what could be. I hope that those who know me best will be able to say, "he was not perfect but he kept getting better." It is a lesson from my father's life and a goal worth pursuing.

Who are the keepers of organizational values?

All organizations and ministries have values, an ethos they are committed to and a culture that they are committed to upholding. Hopefully there is clarity in all of these areas. The question is, who is responsible for upholding those that ethos?

Every leader is responsible! Without exception. Every member of the organization is responsible! Without exception. Leaders, however, have a special responsibility to guard, uphold, champion, live out and champion what the organization believes in. We instinctively watch our leaders for clues as to how seriously they take the spoken and written promises of the organization. We are likely to follow their example no matter what is written or stated.

Anytime there is a fault line in upholding what the organization holds dear there is a direct threat to the ministry. People may give reasons and excuses for why they did not uphold the ethos but the fact that it was not kept is a threat to the ministry. This is why organizational leaders should never ignore violations to their ethos, culture or commitments. They may choose to respond publicly or privately but they always respond. They know what is at stake.

Staff members watch their leaders carefully. What they do is more important than what they say. What they model is what is followed. It only takes one leader who is out of alignment regardless of their place in the organization structure to disrupt the culture of an organization. One staff member, for instance on a church staff who is not living out the ethos, culture or values of that church compromises the health of the whole.

As I said in another blog, It only takes one individual to negatively impact the whole. That is why organizational alignment is so critical.

Healthy organizations intentionally live out their preferred culture and ethos. All leaders and teams work hard to stay in alignment. It is a critical factor in the health of all organizations and ministries. It is an issue worth talking about together: how well do we do it?

When board members allow friendship and relationship to overshadow their governance role

The relationship between board members and the organizational leader is a nuanced one. In many cases board members are also friends. This is often true on church boards where there may be a long relational history. In other cases, particularly in ministry settings, "Christian nice" is the culture of the board. We believe the best, want the best and assume the best - even in the face of evidence that there are issues that need to be pressed into.

Let's address the friendship issue. As an individual I may have a strong and long friendship with my organizational leader. As a board member, however, I am not there primarily as a friend but as a board member whose highest priority is the health and missional effectiveness of the organization. In the board room, therefore, my friendship cannot get in the way of asking the necessary and even hard questions and pressing into issues that are important for the organization.

This applies to the "Christian nice" that pervades so many boards. It amazes me that boards can ignore issues of organizational health and effectiveness in the face of evidence that it is not what it should be. All boards should be collegial - they are a team. All boards should also be engaged in honest, robust dialogue around clearly defined results for the ministry. The test of a good board meeting is not did we all get along and agree. The test is whether we addressed the real issues and engaged in honest dialogue about those issues - even if it was uncomfortable for some and for the organizational leader.

One of the great failures of boards in this regard is to clearly define the outcomes (ends) that the ministry is committed to. In the absence of clearly defined outcomes a board does not have an objective way of holding its organizational leader accountable. Everyone needs accountability and a target they are working toward. It also gives boards a yardstick for evaluation, dialogue, key questions to address and moves the conversation from "Christian nice" to objective results.

If you are a board member I would encourage you to ask these questions:

• Can I separate my personal friendship with the organizational leader from my role as a board member?
• Am I willing to ask the uncomfortable questions even in a board culture that wants a "Christian nice" ethos?
• Are there objective ends or outcomes that the ministry is committed to and which we can hold the leader accountable for?
• Does the board have a job description that clearly defines what its role is?

It is time to stop the blame game in missions

I was at a conference recently where there was a very harsh and unkind (and I would add largely unfair) critique of western missions. The critique was made by a prominent Latin American missiologist. He characterized missions from the west as being imperialist in nature, controlling, paternalistic and colonial. He further blamed most of the worlds ills on the west and its capitalist system. The west is the creator of the world's ills and the majority world is the victim. 

It made me sad. It is true that western missions have made many mistakes. Mission leaders and missionaries are far more sensitive today than in the past as we have learned from those errors. It is also true that the church in the west has made an enormous sacrifice and contribution to the evangelization of the world in the last 200 years and continues to do so, now in partnership with missionaries from across the world.

In fact, the faith of this missiologist is the legacy of missionaries who gave up everything to go to share the gospel.  As I write this I sit overlooking Hong Kong where my own parents served as missionaries in the 1960's. Then it was a place where the Gospel was scarce and today the Gospel is well known and the church is strong because of the sacrifice of western missionaries. My parents and many others gave up much to bring the Gospel to Asia. Tens of thousands of western missionaries are making that sacrifice today globally.

Missionaries from the majority world will and do make many of the mistakes that missionaries from the west made. It is the nature of missions. It is time to stop blaming one another and to start appreciating one another in the global church and to work together. It is time to get over it (anger at the west) and get on with it (the cooperative work of the Gospel). Our own mission has moved to a philosophy of "We don't own anything, control anything or count anything as ours." We are a servant organization to the church in the United States to serve their mission vision and to the church internationally to serve their mission vision.

I find the critique from this Latin missiologist particularly hard to swallow given the social and political landscape in much of Latin America where corruption, crime and inept governments are the norm and where the church has little influence on society. I don't say this to defend the west, but to make an observation that is hard to ignore. One can certainly find much that is wrong with the west and with the church in the west and I am not here to defend it. However, one can also find much that is wrong in the majority world and the church there and I am not here to critique it. It is time to stop the blame game.

I love and cherish my colleagues in the majority and minority world who work with us to spread the Gospel. Their attitudes are so different than the one mentioned above. We are able to appreciate one another's strengths and weaknesses, cultural differences and varied circumstances as we work together. Our concern for the Gospel outweighs our many differences. In fact, we are all enriched as we value one another, learn from one another and enjoy the richness of our differing cultures.

As a mission leader who is committed to healthy mission practices I found the comments of this man sad. I am committed to a different way of doing missions and of valuing the contributions that all make.

Any ministry is only as strong as its weakest area

Ministries like any organization are a series of interconnected parts where each plays a role in the whole. Given the connections, it is also true that in many cases, the ministry is only as strong as its weakest area - a sobering thought.

The corollary truth is that when we choose to ignore areas of weakness we actually hold the whole ministry hostage to those areas of weakness. A church may have quality ministries but if their small group ministry is weak (where this is the relational glue of the church) the whole ministry is weak because the back door remains open. Thus, this area of weakness impacts the rest of the ministry.

Generally staff have an opinion on where the weaknesses lie in any ministry. For years, an area of weakness was the intake process for our mission. If you don't catch dishealth at the front gate you must deal with it later and others pay the price. While the organization knew this was true, there was not a culture that made it OK to talk about the issue and so it went on and on. I spoke recently with someone who attends a church where the music leader is incompetent, will not listen to others, and is frankly terrible up front. No one dares push the issue and the church remains small and will probably stay that way because of this area of obvious weakness.

Healthy organizations have an ethos where areas of weakness can be identified and addressed. It is not about blaming people as the issue usually comes down to processes. Either way, however, if an area of weakness is present and is impacting other areas as they usually do, there must be a way to address it. And to address it there must be a way to talk about it. If there is not the very culture of the organization conspires against reformation.

One weak link in a chain compromises the whole chain. That is why any ministry is only as strong as its weakest link. 

Anxiety is wasted energy: Faith is the currency of the Kingdom

What is anxiety? It is nothing less than fear: fear of what might happen, could happen, is happening. Ultimately it is fear about what we fear will happen. The common word is clearly fear - an energy draining exercise which feeds on itself thought by thought until we are consumed by our anxious fears. In juxtaposition, Jesus says simply: "Do not be anxious about anything." Why? because He is able to supply everything that we need.

The most common repeated command is scripture is not a moral command. It is simply "Fear not." "Do not be afraid." "Do not let your minds be anxious." Rather, thank God in all circumstances because He is the One who can and does and will provide all that we need. If He is truly sovereign over the affairs of men and nations, He is also sovereign over the affairs of our daily lives.

In the Lord's prayer we are encouraged to pray daily that He would give us our "daily bread" that which we need today. It is instructive that he does not tell us to pray for our annual bread or retirement account but our daily bread: What is needed today. 

If "fear not" is the most often repeated biblical command, a close follow up is "give thanks" and "be thankful in all things." Thankfulness is one of the key antidotes to fear and anxiety. It is the constant reminder of the goodness of God, the promises of God, the provision of God and a thankful heart cannot be an anxious heart. Thanksgiving drives out fear and anxiety.

Our world is driven by fear but we live by faith. The whole economic system of our society is based on fear - all the things we need in order to have real security. Even our election was fear based! In the Kingdom, however, we live by faith. A daily faith. A simple faith in a sovereign God who loves us and cares for us and provides for us. 

Anxiety 

• cannot change anything and so is wasted energy.
• is fear based and therefore anti-Christian.
• is about me while faith is about Him.
• is disobedience in God's command to trust.
• is debilitating and tiring.
• is a ploy of the evil one to take our eyes off of Him.
• and trust are a daily choice

I love messy churches because they minister to messy people and bring restoration to messy lives

I love messy churches. Churches where there is transparency about where we actually are in life. Churches that welcome people who are screwed up, hurting, poor, criminal (imagine that), pregnant out of wedlock, people with prison records, who are marginalized, divorced, abused, addicted, and hopeless. Maybe people with tattoos, piercings, different color hair and grunge  clothing. Now that is the kind of church I want to be a part of.

I strongly suspect that Jesus would be in that kind of church judging from the company he kept back in His day. Actually, I think it was by intention. He knew where the receptive people were - generally not the well off, educated and professional (and I fit that profile), but the desperate and screwed up (all of us fit that profile in one way or another).

Where are those kinds of people welcome? The truth is that they are often not welcome. How can they be in congregations that are so concerned about outward appearances of "having it all together" that the utter lack of transparency about the struggles they have send a strong signal that "we are not like you."

Funny thing is that they actually are, they just don't want to admit it. Behind our masks of respectability are people whose marriages are struggling, kids who are struggling, hidden addictions that are destroying lives and families, unresolved anger, broken relationships, financial problems and all kinds of messy stuff. So why don't we just admit it and no longer pretend?

I know churches like that. Here is what I notice about them. First they are filled with people who are messed up and who get cleaned up. Second, because they are willing to be transparent about the mess that God cleaned up, others who are messed up know they are welcome. Third, there is a lot of grace for one another because we are not pretending that we have been or perhaps still are not messed up and in need of God's grace and the love of others.

Some churches pretend to live in the "Leave it to Beaver" world of respectability, apple pie, perfect families and "together people." What I believe is that it is a facade, not reality. What I know is that even if it were true, those who don't fit that profile won't be welcome. And they would be those most desperate for help and love and answers and spiritual renovation. Jesus said, I did not come for the healthy but for the sick.

I am always amused by parents who are concerned that their kids perfect youth group will be destroyed by the attitudes, language or behavior of kids from the local school. Excuse me? I thought the good news of the gospel is for the hurting and messed up? I know of adult small groups where a pagan who does not know any better actually tells the truth about their lives and they are met with a pregnant silence (what do we do with someone like that in our church). Excuse me? I thought the good news of the gospel was for people like that.

The very fascination with excellence and perfection in many churches today - from the building to the stage to the programming to the kinds of people we hold up are all at odds with the messiness, pain, dysfunction and bad stuff in the very people we want to reach out to - if we actually do. I suspect that there are churches who have no desire to reach out to people like that. They would not say it but they do say it - loudly with their culture and lack of transparency.

I vote with Jesus. Give me the messy church any day. I am not fascinated with perfection, I am wanting to live with the messy (I am one of those) and I want to help messed up people find help. Leave it to Beaver was a TV show. I want to live in the real world among real people who together want to be transformed into His image.

Tod Agnew, the musician got it right I think. Consider his words.Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like you Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

When we take up the offense of others

Some of the most difficult situations I have to deal with as an organizational leader are those who call my office angry and unhappy and irrational over an issue that they have no first hand knowledge of. They have taken up someone else's issue and have gone on a crusade.

The reason these are such difficult situations is this. First, because they don't have first hand knowledge one cannot have a rational conversation about what really happened. All they know is what they "heard" happened and in the context of anger, hurt and raw emotions. Thus this is not a conversation about facts but perceived facts and emotional reactions. Conversations that cannot be focused around objective facts are usually conversations that cannot be resolved. 

Second, the conversations are crazy making because those who take up other's offences usually do not reveal that fact. It is clear from the conversation that there is an issue behind the issue (some one else's offence) but it is never stated so one has a hard time getting at it. If I sense there is an underlying issue I will often probe as to what it is and try to get to the heart of the matter. Dealing with side issues does not help one resolve the real - underlying issues. Unless that is put on the table there is no resolution.

Third, because these conversations are not about facts since first hand knowledge is no present, it ends up being about perceptions and anger. Perceptions of others are usually wrong and anger cannot be resolved without dealing with facts. And facts cannot be established without those with first hand knowledge present. 

Finally these are no win conversations because those who take up the offense of others have no way to move on because they cannot resolve "facts." So while the person whose offense they picked up moves on eventually those who picked up the offense did not and cannot.

When there is conflict, the goal must always be to achieve reconciliation. The goal is to come to understanding and achieve a level of peace. When I take up someone else's offence, however, I am doing just the opposite, enlarging the conflict rather than minimizing it: I cannot solve it for others; my own anger spills over to others; I have no objectivity in the situation and because it is not my issue, I cannot find resolution. It is a no win situation and does nothing to bring reconciliation or peace.

Picking up someone else's offense is foolish, bad EQ, unbliblical and causes relational havoc beyond what was necessary. It is one thing to seek to help resolve an issue in a healthy and productive manner. But once you take up another's offense there is no good way out.  

The baton has passed: My father's death

My father went to heaven today at age 86. In some ways I lost him a number of years ago when dementia set in but today it was final - for this world. He left ten children, many grand and great grandchildren and many spiritual children.

My life changed today. I am not sure all the ways but I know it did. I will know it next week as well as we lower a casket into a grave.

There is no longer a generation of men ahead of me to die. I am now on the front lines. Mortality took a step closer. I cannot pretend. The grave is ample proof. My father said as much to me years ago when his father died. It was a rare instance of transparency into his heart. He was a private man but less so as the years went by.

Legacy now passes to me. I am part of my father's legacy and it is now mine to pass one on to my children: Jon, Chip and grandson Gavrel. Like my father's it will be flawed by living in a fallen world but still I have choices and those choices and example and relationships and life become the legacy I will one day leave. There is much that I can treasure about the legacy I was handed. There is much I can do about the legacy I hand off. 

Life is precious but it is also limited which is why heaven becomes even more precious. For it is unlimited in its time (there is none), its person (Jesus), and it's wonder. As C.S. Lewis wrote, it is the home we were truly made for. It is the home father was made for and he has now looked into the loving eyes of the One he served and loved. Like Paul, he fought the good fight. Like Paul, not perfectly, but like Paul not timidly either.

There is no unfinished business between us. Fortunately we took care of that years ago. It won't be long until we are reunited as he today is with parents, family and other friends who went before. I am sure there is a party taking place somewhere even as we grieve but grieve well for a life well lived. 

Finishing well is the challenge all of us have. Dad finished well. I desire to finish well. It makes the leaving ever so much more easy for the one who leaves and the ones who are left. For believers there are no final good by's, just temporary ones. 

See also, Legacy. Thoughts on my dad

Controlling conversations

Whenever a conversation starts to feel uncomfortable and one that seems to be deliberately putting you in a corner rather than allowing for freedom of dialogue, pay attention! Conversations that don't feel good or safe probably are not. 

This is not about conversations where two parties might disagree with one another. That is normal. This is about conversations that feel designed to control you, force you to a specific conclusion or force you to agree to something that you don't feel comfortable agreeing to.

Feeling uncomfortable in a conversation is often a sign that you are in an unhealthy conversation that will not end well if it continues. More about that in a moment.

Some people are masters at manipulating others. Most of us are not but the warning signal to us is a feeling of discomfort. That manipulation can come in the form of vigorous debate designed to get you to agree. It may come in the form of veiled or not so veiled threats if they are in a position of authority. It can come in the form of anger which one wants to dissuade, often by agreement. It may come in the form of "facts" that are not facts at all but broad generalizations that sound true but leave a question in your mind. I recently spoke with an individual regarding some issues of disagreement and he kept saying, "T.J. you know...." He was using gratuitous language to flatter me into agreeing with him.

Manipulation is just that. And its sign is discomfort or a feeling that this is not a two sided conversation but a one sided conversation. Manipulation is trying to force other to agree with us. It reflects dis-health in the one using it and we should be aware when it happens.

How can I respond if I am feeling manipulated or controlled in a conversation. Here are some suggestions:

• "It feels to me that you want me to agree with you and frankly I don't."
• "I think it would be helpful to have a third party in on this conversation because I am feeling pushed to agree with you."
• "Is this a two way dialogue or must I agree with your point of view?"
• "While I respect your opinion, you need to know that I don't agree with you but it feels that I must if we are going to keep a relationship."
• "I am feeling uncomfortable with where this conversation is going and I would like to put it off for another time."

With any of these comments you are gently but honestly calling the other party on their behavior and your discomfort. They are not used to people confronting them and will usually back off. Whatever you do, don't be manipulated by manipulators.

Criticism is easy. Real solutions are not!

Wise leaders observe things closely but do not criticize things quickly. As critical thinkers they are always aware of gaps between where we are and where we desire to be but they are also aware that closing those gaps is not as easy a proposition as it may seem. 

In my experience, criticism is often directed primarily against other people while the real problems are often systems and processes more than they are people. Thus the criticism of people rather than thinking critically about the process or system is often unfair and misguided. It also then becomes personal when the real solution is usually impersonal.

A few years ago I became impatient about our ability in ReachGlobal to deliver on our clarity at the team level. I pushed my senior staff rather hard to close the gap and I think they felt the pressure. When I finally hired a consultant to help us think through our processes the solution was actually pretty simple - some simple tools to bridge the gap between our vision and clarity and our execution and the problem was not inherently with people but with our process. I had been somewhat critical of leaders when the solution was a simple tool that we now use regularly. The problem was not people but process. 

That insight spawned a whole new set of simple tools for us that actually come out of lean industry and manufacturing but which we call ministry excellence. When something is not going right we have  a tool to examine and understand the process we use and almost always the solution is in the process or system, not in a negligent individual. Usually we not only solve the issue but find other efficiencies as well.

Today I am far slower to criticize people and quicker to ask about our systems to find out why something is not working the way it should. Sometimes it does come down to a person who is in the wrong place but more often than not it does not. I also want to resist the easy criticism that pervades so many organizations.