Conflict, reconciliation, Jesus, the church and us

The church, in general, has a pretty bad reputation when it comes to one of the most fundamental calls of the Christian faith - reconciliation. As a church consultant I have seen the road kill and carnage of congregations that fight with one another, people who don't forgive one another, spirits of animosity that poison relationships, recrimination, power plays and church splits. 


Pastors are guilty, board members are guilty and paritioners are guilty. Sometimes, whole congregations are guilty. All of us at one time or another have been guilty. Think of the conflicts we experienced with friends early in life let alone as the years went on. 


Paul, himself, who I will quote below had severe conflict with his partner Barnabas, John Mark as well as with the Apostle Peter. None of us are exempt in a fallen world. Fortunately it seems there was reconciliation in later years. Time has a way of bringing perspective and healing.


While I understand the sinful nature we still deal with as Christ followers, I cannot help but believe that the heart of God is deeply grieved over the divisions within His family - especially the unwillingness of people to seek reconcile their differences (however that is able to be done) and at the least live at peace with one another and at the best understand each other. Our inability to do so is really a rejection of that which Christ did for us in His death on the cross. 


The story of God with a rebellious creation is that of reconciliation. The overarching story, of course is that through Jesus we can be reconciled to God - because of His substitutionary death on the cross for us. This reconciliation brings forgiveness of our sin and therefore peace, fellowship and friendship with God which is what our Creator meant for His created in the first place.


This reconciliation, however has further implications. In Jesus, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28). The many things that have divided us, race, ethnicity, social status, education, political party or gender have all been broken down by the cross where we meet God and one another as equals. In God's family, the distinctions that divided us are erased by the Holy Spirit who has made us part of a new family.


Jesus anticipated this breaking down of barriers when He prayed His high priestly prayer in John 17:23: "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."


Likewise, Paul, wrote frequently of the unity of the body because of our adoption into God's family and the work of the Holy Spirit. Consider these words in Ephesians 4:1ff. "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."


Here is my question: If God was willing to send His very son to make reconciliation with us possible why, after receiving that gift, are we not willing to go the smaller distance to seek to reconcile ourselves with others in the family of God?


Is it any wonder that society as a whole is cynical of the work of God when His own people cannot live at peace with one another and fight the same personal and political battles as are fought in Washington between differing political parties? We can be just as nasty, just as vociferous and just as unforgiving and stubborn as the most unregenerate unbeliever. Yet we claim the name of Jesus!


We cannot control what others do or don't do but we can control what we do or don't do. Are we willing to be peacemakers rather than divisive? Are willing to forgive rather than to live in bitterness? Are we willing to overlook the failures of others since love covers a multitude of sins?


I also believe that we need to do a better job of helping our congregations understand the central place that reconciliation is to  play in the life of a congregation. The church should look different than the rest of society! We are, after all His people with His Spirit which is a Spirit of unity. This is an issue that needs to be addressed regularly in a world that is so deeply divisive. 


Living on this side of eternity conflict is inevitable - even among God's people. It is how we handle that conflict that is the important issue. Reconciliation is all about how we choose to handle conflict and broken relationships when they occur. 


What reconciliation does and does not mean:


It does not mean that the conflict was wrong or bad. Without disagreements important issues do not get clarified and addressed. Conflict itself is not bad. In fact it can be exceedingly healthy because it reveals the need to clarify some issue. What it does mean is that we choose to resolve the conflict in a way that is God honoring. As much as it is possible!


It does not mean that we must agree with the other party but it does mean that we can choose to disagree and not hurt one another any longer. Some issues will not be sorted out until eternity when we see fully and where our emotions are no longer in the way.


It does mean that there must be a cease of hostilities, slander, gossip and bad attitudes toward one another. The reputation of Jesus trumps my personal need to be right or vindicated. Carnal behavior in conflict is sin and must be resisted.


It does mean that we try to understand the other party's point of view even if we believe it to be wrong and misguided. The ability to listen, empathize and understand (even if we don't agree) goes a long ways to damper hostilities.


It does not mean that we need to change our minds on an issue if after discussion we remain convinced that we are being true to our beliefs and the facts as we understand them. 


It does not mean that we need to be close friends, or even friends. It does mean that we will not be enemies any longer. We can choose to bless one another without trying to be friends or to force relationships that have been broken. Sometimes keeping a distance is smarter than closeness when conflict has been severe and where it is clear that there cannot be a common solution.


It does not mean that we will always be able to sort through the issues. It takes reasonable, humble and teachable people to sort through issues and that is not always possible. Sometimes we must simply choose to put the issue behind us for the higher value of Christian unity. It does mean that if we have sinned in our attitudes during the conflict we ask forgiveness for our part. 


It does not mean that we forget the offense. That may or may not be possible. It does mean that we choose to forgive the offense because we are commanded to by Jesus who forgave our offences.


It does not mean that we pretend that the issues did not matter. Often they do and pretending that they did not or that all is now well when this is not true is a disservice to the concept of reconciliation. The hardest kind of reconciliation is when we cannot fix the issue but we choose to live at peace in spite of the issue.


Who do you need to reconcile with?


See these other blogs:
Incarnation and reconciliation
Reconciling irreconcilable differences
Unfinished business

Small shifts of truth - the Evil one's tactics

Have you ever thought about the lies that the evil one loves for us to believe? His strategy is to move the ground of truth ever so slightly but that tiny move makes all the difference in the world in reality. Think about these lies:

• God is good most of the time. 
• You need to earn God's favor.
• Some of the Bible's moral commands are irrelevant in today's sophisticated world.
• You are just an ordinary person and not equipped to do much in ministry.
• God will never be happy with you given what you have done.
• Since God is love He will not condemn anyone to eternal hell. In the end it will be OK for most people.
• God does not heal today. That was for New Testament times.
• If someone is sincere they will be accepted by God no matter what their religious path.
• Believing in demons is pretty silly.
• You cannot afford to be financially generous with God. In a few years you will be in a better position and you can do it then.
• Some people are not worthy of God - or for that matter of my attention.
• Grace is for the lost, not for us who already know God. 

The evil one is skilled at customizing lies to fit our circumstances and our particular vulnerabilities. Often they play like tapes in our heads and we are hardly aware of them.

How does one counter the lies of Satan? Daily time in God's word where we constantly evaluate our lives and our thinking against His eternal, unchanging, life giving truth. The Psalmist says, "I have hid thy word in my heart that I might not sin against thee." Put another way, I have saturated my mind with God's truth so I know the difference between the lies of the evil one and the truth of God. And I know that one is life taking (Satan) and one is life giving (God).

Remember: "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life,and have it to the full (John 10:10)." 

You can only counter the lies of Satan with the truth of God. Spend time with His truth regularly and you will recognize what is not truth. The reason so many Christ followers don't recognize the lies of Satan is that they have not spent enough time in the truth of God. Without knowing truth we cannot know the lies. Scripture matters to our daily lives in more ways than we realize.

If this was your last day on earth would you be OK with what you accomplished for Jesus?

Every day for each of us is a day of grace - undeserved and uncertain. It is the reality of life. 

Here is my question: If this was your last day on earth would you be OK with what you had accomplished for Jesus? In a fallen world, all of us have regrets but wise people seek to minimize those regrets and fortunately the grace of Jesus covers our many shortcomings. How grateful I am for God's grace, without which we would be lost.

But, we also make choices as to how closely we follow Jesus, how engaged we are in making His name well known and His reputation great, how much we invest of our resources in His Kingdom and how often we spend quality time with Him. Those kinds of choices make the difference between few regrets and many!

The only way I know how to answer this question is to live every day in a way that I believe would please Jesus. Living a life of few regrets is done one day at a time. There is no need for a grand design, just a need for daily faithfulness.

In the end, life is pretty simple:

• Did I love Jesus and pursue Him?
• Did I seek to follow His leading?
• Was I a good husband, father and grandfather? (speaking for my situation)
• Did I use the gifting God gave me for His purposes?
• Was I generous for His work?

When all is said and done, most of the rest of life doesn't matter much. We are great at complicating life but when it comes down to the basics it is pretty simple - and lived one day at a time.

What characterizes great ministry organizations?

All of us desire to be part of a great organization. Who wants mediocre or average? A great organization can be a small local church, a large ministry or anything in between. But they are characterized by five key elements.

First, they have great clarity about what they are about and they focus on that clarity with a lazer like focus. Great organizations are not scattered but highly focused. That focus allows them to go after specific results and know when they have achieved their goals. Everyone in the organization is aligned around that focus and those goals. Great organizations are not distracted by all the things they could be doing but focused on the few things they must be doing.

Second, great organizations treat their staff well. They hire the best, compensate the best they can and empower staff to use their gifts and energies to achieve the goals without micromanaging. Staff morale is a significant marker of the health of any organization. 

No matter how strategic a ministry is, or how driven to meet their goals, if they do not treat staff well, develop them and have a high retention rate, one cannot claim to be a great organization. Staff culture and health is a major indicator of the true health of the organization. 

I recently stayed in a hotel in Kenya where I interacted with many staff. I asked all of them how they liked working for their organization and to a person they told me how happy they were with the General Manager and the empowered atmosphere he had created. At the end of two weeks I knew that this was a great organization just from watching and interacting with the staff. Staff culture reveals the true DNA of any organization.

Third, great organizations are team led and driven. The strongest organizations have strong leaders and strong teams. Teams provide far more synergy, energy and creativity than any one leader. Further, if that leader was to be hit by the proverbial "bus" there are others who can step in and continue on. Any organization that is dependent on one key leader is unlikely to be a great organization. The creation and deployment of teams is indicative of a collegial and empowered atmosphere.

Fourth, great organizations are always developing the next generation of leaders. I believe that the test of our leadership is not simply what happens when we are leading but what happens after we leave. Did we leave the organization stronger then when we came? Did we leave behind the next generation of leaders who could take the ministry to the next level? A culture of leadership development is a sign of a great organization. In making this a priority we are committing to the long term health of the organization rather than simply short term success.

Fifth, great organizations are led by humble, intentional leaders. This applies not only to the top leadership role but all the leadership roles within the ministry. Humble leaders create a culture of dependence on God and collegial work, knowing that life is not about them. Humble leaders create opportunities for others and develop others. Humble leaders are open and approachable. Humble leaders serve others rather than use others. Pride is incompatible with Christian leadership.

Leaders as moving targets

One of the most frustrating genre of leaders to work for are those who move at the speed of lightning, have a plethora of ideas, are on to something new regularly and are idea people who often want their staff to deliver on those many ideas. In short they are moving targets that rarely get pinned down.


Moving target leaders create a lot of chaos for their staff. They are hard to keep up with, are rarely on a consistent course and therefore create uncertainty, lots of extra work and consternation of staff. 


This is why staff turnover for these leaders is generally high and the more capable the staff member the more likely it is that they will leave after a short tenure since constant change is an unempowering and uncertain culture in which to work. 


By their very nature, leaders who move at the speed of light rarely are able to empower other significantly because they are constantly determining the direction themselves. Issues like planning, annual plans and consistent budgets are tough since things change regularly. It can be crazy making for staff.


The challenge is that moving target leaders often can get an organization to a certain size by their sheer energy. And as the ministry grows, the challenge of keeping it moving in an consistent direction increases. As do the staff challenges.


This type of leadership can work in the early entrepreneurial ministry start up stage. However, at some point, unless the leader can transition to a true organizational leader rather than an individual producer who kicks up a lot of dust, the organization starts to suffer, staff get weary and boards become concerned. 


If you are a moving target leader or a board member for one and the organization is at a size and place where it needs more stability what do you do?


One option is to get executive coaching for the leader to help them transition to a more stable leadership culture. In my experience about 50% of of moving target leaders can make the transition with a lot of work and coaching. But they must truly want to make the changes necessary and it is not easy.


Another option is to hire a COO for the ministry who is the buffer between the moving target leader and the rest of the staff. This can work with a lot of negotiation and will on behalf of both parties but it will remain a constant challenge for the CEO and the COO.


Another approach is to suggest to the moving target leader that the organization needs a different kind of leadership style at this stage of their existence and that they need to make a transition. This often takes the leader by surprise because they are rarely tuned into the chaos that they create by their leadership style. However, boards that see the chaos and dysfunction on staff will sometimes make the call for the leader. They may not even recognize the true reason for their discomfort but they know that the organization is weary of the constant flow of new ideas and directions.


A final approach is to recognize that this is the way it will be and live with the chaos and uncertainty. This will generally mean significant staff turn over and good leaders who will choose not to serve on the board or staff for long. 


Small entrepreneurial ministries can live with leaders who are moving targets. The larger the ministry grows, however, the more problematic it becomes.

A theology of life

Think of the amazing gift we have been given in being made in God's image, in being “image bearers” of the Lord of the universe:

·       We were created for eternity with an eternal soul

·       We were made for a relationship with our creator

·       We were given the gift of relationships with one another

·       We were granted the gift of moral freedom

·       We were given the amazing capacity to create

·       We were given the ability to love deeply

The apostle Paul puts all this in perspective in Ephesians 2:10. “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” The word “workmanship” means a unique work of art, a one of a kind. As unique works of God we were created for a personal relationship with him in Christ Jesus, in order to join him in His work in this world (good works) which God prepared for each of us “in advance.”

In endowing us with His image, He gave something of Himself to mankind. Our very ability to know and love him and one another is part of that gift. I can adore and love my spouse and my children and have meaningful relationships with others because He chose to make me in His image. I can know Him, serve Him, join Him in His work in this world because he made me in His image. I can use all my creativity in loving and caring and serving and living because He made me in His image.

I remember meeting my son Jon for the first time knowing that this was my flesh, my offspring. The day I met my first grandson, Gavrel, was even more profound, Again, here was a precious child with my DNA, flesh of my flesh of my flesh entering the world. In making us in His Image, God deliberately planted something of Himelf in His created. Just as I look at my grandson with a love too deep to describe, so He looks at us with a love that is able to see beyond all of our brokenness for He sees His image in us, however flawed by the entrance of sin into our world – deliberately planted in us by Him.

Our news is full of stories of the brokenness of our world. It is easy to become numb to the human needs and issues we become aware of. But stop for a moment and put on the lens of God. Your neighbor who is hurting is made in God’s image. The thousands of children who needlessly suffer from malaria every year for lack of mosquito netting are made in His image.

The disabled who are so easily treated as throw away people in much of the world are made in His image. Those who suffer from chronic dysentery for lack of clean water are made in His image. Those young slaves of the sex trade internationally are image bearers of God. The millions who are aborted annually are stamped with His imprint. The elderly who are shuffled off to a lonely existence are made in His image.

Seen in that light, we cannot ignore the spiritual and human needs around us or of our world and be like Jesus. Life is precious. People are precious. Even the most broken individual is a potential son or daughter of the king because all were stamped with His image. 

No other part of God’s creation was endowed with an eternal soul or an eternal destiny. To care for people and their situations is to see people as Jesus sees them and to love them as He loves them. To live selfishly, immune from the suffering of others is to reject the nobility God placed within man, even though sin has made much so ignoble.

Every time we uphold the dignity of human life, uphold biblical sexuality, treat our spouses well, care for those that society throws away: widows, orphans, AIDS victims, those with unwanted pregnancies, the disabled, the sick, those in dire poverty, the elderly, we join Jesus in bringing value to life made in His image. We join Jesus in His prayer, “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” How is it done in heaven? Perfectly! 

When we join Him in meeting the physical and spiritual needs of our world we start bringing little bits of heaven and His values to a world that is lost and dehumanizing to those He created. We join Him in His quest to reimage an image made wrong by sin and bring out the beauty of what God originally intended.

We cannot meet all the needs of our broken world but we can make a difference for someone who is an image bearer of God. Every act of compassion that meets physical and spiritual needs is an act of obedience to our Father who cares so deeply for every human being. He hurts when they hurt, and wants every image bearer to find Him and be ReImaged into His likeness. 

Every time we go out of our way to bring life to a situation, we make the heart of God glad. Each word that encourages, touch that shows love, help that brings hope or Good News that speaks to the soul mirrors the heart of God toward those He created. None are beyond His grace, none are too broken for his healing or beyond His divine touch. 

Do you see people through human eyes or Jesus' eyes? 

Leaders who need to be liked by those they lead

The greater our need to be liked by others the less personal freedom we have to be ourselves, follow God's leading and be self defining about what is important us us. It is a trap that keeps us from being us and from leading well! 


I have no desire to be disliked. In fact, I believe that leaders who lead well will be respected and liked by most, probably not by all. Leading well, treating people well and creating an environment for staff to flourish all contributes to respect for a leader. 


Many leaders, however, are not after respect but want to be loved and liked by those they lead. Wanting to be liked is a symptom of a lack of self worth - needing therefore to get our worth from the love of others. But for a leader, it is a trap because our desire to be liked can get in the way of our leadership.


Leaders who desire to be liked often are not able or willing to push into missional issues with their staff where results are needed but not forthcoming. It is a choice to keep a perceived friendship intact by not pressing on issues that might be considered contentious. In reality, the need to be liked is holding the leader hostage from addressing issues that need to be addressed. Ironically, they lose respect from their staff  when this happens.


Leaders who desire to be liked also become hostage to the expectations of others. Self definition - the ability to state one's position, even if it is not popular is a key leadership trait. But if my desire to be liked is strong, it will be difficult for me to self define in areas where that might not be liked. I am therefore hampered from making directional calls that might "compromise" my perceived friendship with those I lead. In doing so, I actually hurt the organization I lead.


Leaders who desire to be "one of the boys or girls" do so at the risk of their leadership because one cannot be best friends with all the staff and lead well. Once a leader becomes one of the boys or girls they are identifying with their team rather than with the organizational leadership role they carry.


Here is an interesting thought. Most staff do not have a need to be best friends with their leader. They want a collegial atmosphere where issues can be discussed and decided and they want to be respected. In turn they want to respect their leader but do not have an expectation of being best friends with their leader. It is the leader's insecurities that drive the need to be liked, not the staff.


Healthy leaders are highly collegial but they keep an appropriate social distance from the staff they lead so that they are able to see beyond the "friendships" and keep the missional agenda clear. It is in leading well that they earn the respect and appreciation of they staff even if they are not the staff's best friends.


See also:
Leaders and those they lead
Transitioning staff from family to team

Core ministries, ancillary ministries and focus

I recently had a conversation with a ministry where I asked what was truly "core" and "central" to what they did? They looked at me with confusion and said "everything."  So I went at it a different way and asked, "If you had half of the money you now have, what ministries would stay and which would go?" Their answer to that question got them on the road to identifying what was truly core and central and what was in fact ancillary.


Scarce resources are often the thing that force us to make the choice between core and ancillary. When you have to choose you have to make decisions as to what is truly central and what is not.


Here is the truth. For most ministries, there are core and ancillary sub ministries. Knowing the difference is critical because the majority of your time, energy and budget should be focused on the core, not the ancillary. Furthermore, you need to know what is core and central and what is nice but non-essential.


One of Steve Job's upsides as a leader is that when he returned to Apple for the second time, he helped them focus on a few core products and shed what was ancillary. He knew that the organization could not deliver excellence over a broad number of products. He ruthlessly shut down what was not central and they focused on the few products that have made Apple a very wealthy company today.


Ministries pick up all sorts of ancillary activities like a duster picks up dust. New stuff sticks all the time, often diminishing the core ministries as energy and focus is spread ever thinner. Disciplined organizations are very clear about what is core and central and they resist the temptation to add new and novel ministries that might be good for someone but are not core for them. 


Here are some important questions to be able to answer with your ministry team:
1. What is central and core to what we do and what is ancillary?
2. Do the central and core ministries get the energy, focus and resources they should get?
3. Are there ancillary ministries that are diminishing our attention to the core ministries?
4. Do we need to refocus around our core ministries and shed what is ancillary?

Holistic Missions: Cautions and Opportunities

Let me say up front, I don't like the word holistic much when it comes to ministry. As if holistic ministry were an option or a special kind of ministry. No! Holistic ministry is really Jesus ministry that ministers to the whole person: body, mind and soul.  All ministry to Jesus was holistic. He always cared about the whole person. So I simply prefer Jesus ministry.


I am delighted that there is a new emphasis on ministry to the needs of people today and much of the focus from the West to the Majority (poor) world focuses on those needs. This includes medical ministry, micro enterprise, clean water, orphan ministries, poverty alleviation and the list could go on. It is refreshing to see the church minister to the needs of people rather than simply doing evangelism.


However, and this is where the caution lies: If in the past we neglected the needs of the whole person for the needs of the heart, today we run the risk of neglecting the needs of the heart for the physical needs alone. This is not Jesus ministry. He never ministered to physical needs without caring for the needs of the heart. It was always both, never one or the other. If I give people clean water without the living water of Jesus I have solved a physical problem but neglected the greater eternal problem.


In a poor world there are many opportunities to minister to the physical and spiritual needs of people. Let's not relive the mistakes of the past where we neglected the physical needs for the spiritual by neglecting the spiritual needs for the physical. Jesus simply ministered to the whole person and so should we.


If your church is involved in meeting physical needs among the poor, ask the question whether you are also meeting the spiritual needs of the heart. Is the balance right? What will you answer the one who says on the brink of eternity that you gave them clean water but never told them about living water?  


Clean water is the number one way we can directly impact a majority of those living in poverty globally. Living water is the number one way we can impact them for eternity. The greatest need for every man, woman and child on our planet is a spiritual need so as we minister to physical needs, lets be sure that we are also meeting spiritual needs. Lets take our cues from Jesus where ministry was always about the whole person.

Pedestals are dangerous places to be and to prop up

One of the risks of Christian leadership is that others often put them on  a pedestal, looking up to that leader as if they were from another species, seeing only the good stuff and none of the bad stuff. It really is a bad place to be for any number of reasons, least of which is that when the pedestal breaks it is painful for both the leaders and those who put them there. 

I also know leaders who love to be on the pedestal. They like the adulation, the otherness and the position it gives them. And, it insulates them from much of the scrutiny because the more removed they are the less others are able to challenge them. You don't say honest or hard things to unapproachable people - like leaders who foster a certain elevation from others. 

My advice to those who work for leaders who like the pedestal is that one does not treat them with deference, but like everyone else.  They may not like it but allowing them to be treated as special only feeds the unhealthy side of their leadership. I resolved long ago that I would always be respectful but never feed the egos of unhealthy leaders.

For the rest of us who may be put on pedestals by others, I have four suggestions. First, be candid about those things you can be candid about. We have the same struggles as everyone else. Being honest about those struggles helps others understand we are not different.

Second, be approachable. The more approachable we are the more human we will be while the more unapproachable we are the more "otherness" we foster. Let people get to know you as much as possible.

Third, be real. Pretense is dishonesty while just being real about who we are is honesty. The more transparent we are, the more human we are and the less others will elevate us.

Fourth, be humble. Humility is self effacing while pride elevates self. 

I have a good friend about whom people say, "He is without guile." I love that description. It is who I want to be. As such, I will not cooperate with anyone who wants to live on a pedestal or put me on one (God forbid).

The amazing gift of hope

Hope is one of the most wonderful gifts that we have as Christ followers. The word is used 76 times in the New Testament. In 1 Corinthians 13, the three things that remain for all time are faith, hope and love (1 Corinthians 13: 13). Hope is a gift that we gain when we give our lives to Jesus and it remains with us forever.

 Consider these contexts:

• We boast in the hope of the glory of God (Romans 5:2)
• We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure (Hebrews 6:19.
• Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)
• Set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming (1 Peter 1:13)
• the hope of eternal life (Titus 1:2)
• We have put our hope in the living God (1 Timothy 4:10)
• so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13)
• I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you (Ephesians 1:18)

In every challenge of life we have the gift of hope. No matter what our circumstance we have hope. On the verge of death we have the ultimate hope - that of eternal life with Jesus. For those of us who lose a loved one we have the hope of the resurrection and the greatest family reunion of all time. Hope is our constant companion, our daily gift, our sustaining anchor. It is the antidote to despair, discouragement and hurt. 

Hope is a gift given but it is up to us to claim it and live in it. We choose either to embrace the gift of hope or to allow ourselves to move toward discouragement and despair. God is the author of the gift of hope, Satan the author of hopelessness. The gift is ours. Will we embrace the hope we have in Jesus today?

There is much in life to be pessimistic about but if you consider all the gifts and blessings we have in Jesus Christ, in this life and the next, how can we live in pessimism? In the end, Jesus prevails over all things and we with Him! There is no circumstance of life that is not covered by the hope we have in Jesus. None. 

Choose hope today!

Pride and Christian Leadership

Personal pride and Christian leadership are fundamentally incompatible with one another. 

Signs of pride are easy to spot:

• Loving the praise we get from others
• Name dropping - we are on the in with the big shots
• Letting others know how big and successful our ministries are
• Not listening to others - we have the answers
• Letting others know we are in charge
• Taking credit for success
• Blaming others for failure
• Ignoring our shadow side
• Narcissism (there is a lot of it in Christian leadership) 
• Elevating ourselves
• Defensiveness (pride central)
• Putting others down

Think about this: Pride elevates self but we are to elevate Jesus. Pride says "I accomplished this" when in reality anything of spiritual significance was accomplished by God's power. Pride says, "I made something of myself" when in fact God gave us our skills and wiring as a gift to be used for Him. Pride thinks that our success is a reflection of our greatness when in effect, it is simply a gift from God.

If anyone had a right to pride it was Jesus but where do you see it? He claimed to speak the words of the Father, do the will of the Father and gave all the glory to the Father. He lived for the Father's glory rather than His own. When His disciples vied for position and glory He rebuked them saying that they were living by the world's values not kingdom values. 

The life of Jesus was one of humble dependence and servant leadership. Paul had the same mindset committed to boasting about one thing only - the cross of Christ. He took no credit for his accomplishments, great as they were but gave all the credit to God. He knew that "when he was weak, then he was strong," because it was all about God's power, not his wisdom or power. 

Why is there so much pride, so many egos and may I say it, narcissism among Christian leaders? It does not square with the life of Jesus or the life of Paul or the teaching of Scripture. We are nothing without God. My ability to write blogs and books is simply a gift I have been given. The leadership skills I have were also a gift from God to be used in trust for Him. What do I have to boast about except that God was gracious to me? And if I do take the credit am I not stealing credit from the One who rightly deserves all of it?

It is no wonder that many Christian leaders have major blow ups in their lives and ministries. Pride elevates self and minimizes Jesus and the greater the elevation of ourselves and the minimization of Jesus the more dangerous territory we are in. Narcissism is the ultimate elevation of self and rejection of Him. Once it becomes about us we have lost all ability to lead on His behalf. It is not that God abandons us, we have abandoned Him for all practical purposes.

It was pride that caused Satan to rebel against God. It was pride that prompted Adam and Eve to eat of the tree. It is pride that causes us to elevate ourselves but to the extent we do we are minimizing God. And that is a dangerous path to walk. Our hearts are indeed deceitful above all things. Guarding our hearts against pride is job one of anyone in Christian leadership. 

Bride over Brand

This week I had a remarkable set of meetings with 20 movement leaders in Africa. All of them represented different denominations and countries and all of them were together for a week to discuss how they could work synergistically together to send missionaries, see church planters trained and to reach those parts of Africa where the gospel has not penetrated.

What is remarkable is that they were placing the Bride (the church of Jesus) over their particular brand (denomination). 

Bride over Brand is a mindset that should pervade all of our efforts to spread the Gospel. This does not mean that we must give up the distinctives of our brand. It does mean that we are willing to actively cooperate with others for a higher goal of seeing the Bride expand, knowing that our brand is one small expression of the Bride that Jesus died for.

This takes a mindset that "we will cooperate rather than compete." It is a humble posture that knows that no one of us can do this by ourselves and that we have a lot to learn from others. It is a kingdom rather than a provincial mindset that places the Bride in its proper perspective. It is a Jesus mindset above all that values what He values - that all men might come to believe. 

I long for the day when this kind of mindset prevails across Christianity. When it does, we will see the Gospel spread in ways that we cannot imagine. Until it does, we will continue to do our own thing, not realizing that we are better together than separate. 

What is your mindset? What are you doing about it?

Sustaining vision for the long run

We all know that vision leaks - which is why many ministries that thought they had a common vision wake up one day and discover that it is no longer true. 


Almost every ministry leader has vision - and believes that everyone in his/her organization know that vision. But ask around and in many cases what the leader thinks others know is not so. Or, they may tell you, it is the leader's vision, not theirs. Shared vision is evident when everyone in the organization can tell you where the ministry is headed.


Every ministry faces the question, "How do we sustain our vision for the long run?" 


It starts with having a God sized and God given vision in the first place. People are not captivated by small dreams but God sized dreams. When we have a vision that is larger than us and which can only be accomplished through God's power, and which significantly contributes to His purposes, it is a powerful thing.


There are many pseudo visions in ministry that have more to do with buildings and expansion and personal success than they do with reaching people for Jesus or true life transformation. Here, vision is used to achieve the ends of a leader rather than to serve the cause of Christ. Real vision has everything to do with the expansion of God's Kingdom on earth (Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven), not the expansion of our kingdom on earth. When vision is about Him it motivates. When vision is about us, it manipulates.


Real vision is a shared vision. It makes sense to the group who will carry it out and as a group they are committed to seeing it happen. It may start with a leader (Nehemiah) but it must become shared by the entire organization. 


Vision must be able to be communicated clearly and concisely in ways that everyone can get it. Memorability of vision matters a lot. Long vision documents are never remembered but simple, understandable vision that is repeated time and again will be.


Every vision needs an evangelist who not only deeply believes in what God is calling their organization to do but is constantly communicating that call. You cannot over communicate vision but the fact that most organizations don't have a common vision is proof that you can under communicate. All leaders in the organization should be evangelists for where God is calling the ministry. If they are not, you don't have a shared vision.


Prayer around one's vision is a critical factor because if the vision is from God, spending time in His presence, asking for his empowerment to make the vision a reality changes our hearts and gives us a resolve and commitment that comes from Him.


Vision means nothing without results. Communicating those results encourages people to keep pressing forward. Vision without tangible results creates cynicism, as it rightly should. Celebrate the wins as they come. And, organize your time, energy and resources so that they are all contributing to seeing the accomplishment of your vision.


As you think about the vision of your organization, compare it to these markers of sustaining vision for the long run. How are you doing?

Ministry pay scales

In my work with churches and Christian organizations I am often privy to their pay scales. And to be honest, they often bother me - specifically three observations.


1. There is far too great a differential between the senior staff and those who are in the next level down. Boards appropriately ensure that their senior staff are well paid in most cases. However, they are less careful to ensure that the rest of the pay scale is pulled up so that there is not an undue gap between the top and the next levels down.


I rarely quibble with the senior staff salaries I see. In my circles they are moderate and not extravagant. Often they do not reflect the scope of responsibility that these leaders have. But, the gap between their fair pay and the next levels down I often have a quarrel with. Which leads me to a second observation.


2. We often do not pay our lowest staff a fair wage but as little as we can legally pay. This includes building engineers, clerical, and administrative assistant level folks. My question is why? If our pay scales are appreciably lower than what the market pays why would we be OK with paying salaries that are not comparable with the market? If a pastor is worth his wages (and we can quote the scripture on that one) why are not others? 


I give honor to the many underpaid workers in Christian settings but I am sad that we of all people do not treat our staff with the dignity due them. Is this what we want to be known by? 


3. It amazes me but I still see differentials at times between what men are paid and women for the same or similar positions. As a society we have gotten beyond that in most good workplaces. We need to get beyond that in our ministry settings.


I have several suggestions.
First, look at the differential between your top paid staff and the next levels down and ask if it is fair and appropriate. 


Second, take some time to look at all salaried positions and ask if there are any that look odd to you - too high or too low.


Third, spend a few dollars or go to any number of free sites to get comparables for like positions in the marketplace to see where you sit.


Fourth, where adjustments should be made, come up with a plan to make them over a period of months or years and review your salary structure every three to four years.


We do not serve a cheap but a generous God. Let's be generous with our staff whom we say are the heart of our ministry!

When the true us shows up!

Who is the real me and the real you? Sometimes we are not who people think we are as there is a public persona of who we hope people see us as and the real us that is not always in alignment with that persona.

The real us does pop out from time to time and it comes in interesting ways: when we face a deep crisis, when we are unjustly accused, when we are confronted over an issue in our life or when we lose our jobs. All of these situations (and I am sure more) bring to the surface that which is most deeply hidden in our hearts. Here is where the true test of character lies - for better for worse.

Most of us pay too little attention to the words of Jesus that what comes out of a man is what is actually in a man. Most of us can manage our emotions and actions well enough in public forgetting that the most authentic version of us is being forged deep in our hearts in quiet times and hidden places that others do not see. This is where our deepest convictions are forged, our most authentic faith is developed and our character is hammered out. 

When crisis comes it is those convictions, that faith and that character that emerges in all of its depth or shallowness. Because it is in these times that we don't manage our emotions and responses well. Rather what is there is what emerges for all to see. Often it is not pretty. Sometimes is it amazingly Christ-like. The difference is what was forged in the deepest places of our lives. 

When faith, patience, trust in God's sovereignty and kindness toward others, even our accusers shows up in a crisis situation you know that it comes from a core of spiritual health. When bitterness, anger, accusations,  and self serving actions and attitudes show up in crisis you know that it comes from a core of spiritual dishealth.
For what is forged on the inside is what will surface in difficult times.

Who is the real you? The authentic you? Are you forging in deep places and quiet ways the faith, character and convictions that will show up unexpectedly when hard times come - as they inevitably do? The test of our true self is not how we act on a good day but how we handle ourselves on a truly bad and awful day.

Are you an evangelical functional deist?

This blog is likely to make some uncomfortable. My observation is that many who call themselves followers of Jesus, at least in the west, are functional deists - they don't believe in their heart of hearts that Jesus breaks into our lives or our situations personally to do the unexpected, the miraculous or speak to us personally. It is as if there is a God in heaven who does not break in and work in our lives personally.

Thomas Jefferson was one of the most famous diests among the founding fathers. He actually modified his Bible by taking out all references to the miraculous. His god was a small god who set the world in motion and let it move along according to the natural laws of nature and no natural law of nature had room for the miraculous. We would never modify our Bibles but do we harbor doubts in our mind just as Jefferson that our God does not do the unexpected and miraculous today?

Well, God is a God of surprises who loves to challenge our thinking. Here is a great example from a member of ReachGlobal's staff in Africa - in his words

"The day was fresh.  New.  My heart was still and waiting.  As I sat quietly on the upper floor balcony of my house overlooking the hills of the city, I just praised the Lord for this new day.  I spent some time reading and listening . . . and then began a time of rested listening prayer.  I enjoy these kinds of times many mornings where I just want to SOAK with Jesus.  Just rest in His presence and not have to accomplish anything.  I want to hear His voice.  I often ask for that one simple thing:  “Jesus, I just want to hear Your voice.  Speak to me.  Tell me what you want me to do.” 

"As I sat there in my wicker rattan chair, legs crossed and arms folded, I heard something that surprised me.   I just heard these simple words:  “Go to the hospital and pray for Clarice.  Ask me for her complete recovery.  Try me and I will do it.”  Our dear national friends who are part of our church family had just been married in the last two years and had been expecting TWINS!  At the birth of the children, Clarice suffered a massive stroke.  A young Cameroonian mother . . . having just birthed a beautiful boy and a beautiful girl . . . experiencing a life-altering, life-threatening, life-scrambling STROKE.  Our hearts just ached.  We felt sorrow and we wondered what God would do.

"Now, here I am sitting on my balcony and God simply says in a quiet, clear voice:  “Go and pray.  Ask me.  Try me and I will do it.”  My eyebrows went up.  I shook my head.  I literally said OUTLOUD, “You’ve got to be KIDDING!?!”  And then I prayed:  “Lord, that was YOU, wasn’t it?”  I knew it was.  It was a direct answer to my prayer:  “Jesus, I want to hear Your Voice.  Speak to me.  I will do what you want me to do.”  And I remembered the prayer months earlier that my teammate, Arthur Ellison, had prayed over me in one of our team meetings, that I would pray for people’s physical healing as God might prompt me.

"Well, after wrestling with this for three days and then repenting from a lack of faith and wondering if God was really serious, I decided to take HIM seriously.  My wife and I and our national pastor and his wife got in the car and did exactly what God asked me to do.  As I stood over her bed, wearing a mask and gown—one visitor allowed at a time . . . I simply told Clarice what I felt God had asked me to do and prayed over her and anointed her with oil.  She received . . . eyes bulged open, not herself in the slightest.  She worked to speak at all . . . and said . . . “Thank . . . . . you.” 

"My wife went in, my pastor went in, then our pastor’s wife spent a few minutes with her—only to tell us on the way home from the hospital that night this unbelievable report:  “Clarice told me that she had a vision just three days ago, that God came and told her that YOU needed to come and pray over her for healing.  She has been waiting here three days knowing that you would come.  And . . . that God would heal her.” 

"I could hardly believe what I was hearing.  The same day He spoke to me, He spoke to her.  What a confirmation that God is clearly, actively wanting to do extraordinary things IN and THROUGH US!  We need to expect!!  WE need to yearn and hunger for His miraculous and simple voice to show up each day.  Then, we need to just yield and do as He asks. 

"Clarice was told she’d never walk.  She would most likely never speak and may be bed-ridden the rest of her life.  Well, all praise to God—she not only walks, she runs.  She not only speaks.  She speaks French and English and her mother tongue as well!  She sings.  She smiles.  She testifies and evangelizes.  She shares with everyone what God has done for her!  She is a happy and proud mother of two beautiful kids.  Her husband Claude never doubted for a moment that God would bring his wife back to her original self.  And . . . by God’s great grace, He has done JUST THAT!

Humbled and honored,  Jeff Brown"

As one who has experienced the miraculous myself, I am no functional deist. Not only do I believe in the power of God to break in but I would not be alive today if He had not.

Invite Him into your situation, or the situation of someone who needs it. He may surprise you.

Cheap can be costlier than you think

One of my frustrations in working with ministry organizations is their propensity to choose cheap over whatever it takes to do a job well. It is as if cheap is close to God's heart and anything else is extravagance and a waste of money. 

There is another guide that is neither cheap or extravagant. It merely asks the question, "What will it cost to solve this problem so that our needs are met well and we have stability in this area?" Doing it the cheapest way will usually neither meet needs or give stability. Paying more than we need to may be cutting edge but is often beyond what we need. 

Take a ministry that has struggled with technology for years. A solution would not be expensive as they are small but the lack of stability, connectedness and right software has cost them dearly in lost productivity and staff frustration! That lost productivity is far more expensive than if they had spent the money necessary to maintain a stable system. The difference is that the cost of an unstable system is hidden and can easily be overlooked.

Cheap also translates over to how we often do staffing in ministry. In our desire to save money we frequently hire at the lowest possible salary level and often (not always) get what we are willing to pay for in terms of experience and professionalism. What if we reversed that trend by paying competitive rates, hiring the very best and staffing lean? We would get a higher caliber of help, with greater capacity and need fewer people. Instead, when we hire at the lowest wage level possible we often end up needing more people.

Cheap is often far more costly than people realize. The shadow side of cheap is that it can get you the wrong people, solutions that don't work and hidden expenses that you cannot quantify but are surely there. And since when is cheap some kind of Biblical value? 

Instead of cheap, ask this question: "What will it cost to solve this problem so that our needs are met well and we have stability in this area?"

Where are our Christian Statesmen and Stateswomen today?

With the loss of yet another christian statesman in the person of Chuck Colson and a generation that is leaving us it begs the question as to who will carry that role in the future. When Billy Graham goes to be with Jesus the most visible statesman of our generation will be gone and in many ways his voice has been fading already.


Because many of us can play that role in our small corner of the world I have been reflecting on what the characteristics of a Christian statesman or stateswoman would look like. Here my thoughts.


They are deeply grounded in Jesus and in a thoroughly Christian worldview. These are people who think deeply about the issues of society and how those issues intersect with the values and priorities of God. Issues like justice, fairness, the ability to speak in the public square, bringing our deepest values into the marketplace and  congruity between what we espouse and how we live. Chuck Colson, John Stott, Francis Schaeffer, Mother Theresa and Timothy Keller are examples of those who have bridged the sacred/secular divide through a Christian worldview. Each brought or bring spiritual wisdom to bear on the challenges of our society.


They are publicly non-partisan individuals who build bridges instead of walls. One of the great barriers to Christian statesmanship today is the divisiveness of our political system. I honor each individual of faith who works in that difficult environment but by its very nature it is partisan and dividing rather than bridge building and uniting (with few exceptions).


Jesus is not the God of the Green Party, the Libertarians, the Republicans or the Democrats. He is the Lord of all and His truth supersedes all partisan squabbles. Thus it is a huge mistake for those who would speak for God on any issue to become spokespersons at the same time for any political party. We do speak to issues that are close to God's heart. We do not marry our position with a party because God is not the God of any political party. In western democracies, no party has a corner on the truth and all have a corner on some truth.


All of us have political views but Christian statesmen and women speak to the issues that transcend any party. They speak from a position of truth, not politics and from a deeply held Christian world view. In doing so they can build bridges across political parties and do what politics can only rarely do - bring people together rather than divide.


They are deeply humble individuals who are not looking for personal fame or recognition. Here is an irony. While power, fame and position are the coinage of our world, people are drawn to the truly humble who are not trading on any of those but only on deeply held belief and truth. What else did Mother Theresa have? Certainly no power or position and her fame (what she did not ask for) was a direct result of her humble service. Mother Theresa could speak truth in places of power where it made people deeply uncomfortable because of the power of her very life.


The minute that humility gives way to pride, the Christian statesman or woman have lost their ability to speak with clarity on any subject and indeed the desire to fan the flame of adulation will cause them to modify their message because truth is rarely popular in the long run.


They are diplomatic and loving even in their truth telling. One of the reasons that Christian states-people build bridges is that they are kind, compassionate, humble and kind with people - especially those who disagree with them. What soul was more kind and gentle than John Stott? Who could not like his self effacing personality, easy smile and kind actions? Why was it that Chuck Colson, one of the most partisan individuals prior to his faith could build bridges that transcended politics? Even when Mother Theresa was at her feistiest who could get in her face?


When prophets get angry they lose their audience, with good reason. Christian states-people reflect the character, attitudes and relationships of Christ. 


I don't know who the next Christian states-people will be, at least the prominent ones. I do know that all of us can live out these qualities in our corner of the world, with the people we know and perhaps hundreds of thousands of smaller Christian states-people is more powerful than an well known handful.

Prayers of the People

For Brook, Heather, Paige, and Roger who all need our prayers.


I have the joy on occasion to attend an evangelical Anglican church. One of the things I deeply appreciate in their services is the emphasis on prayer. Prayers of the people, prayers of confession and prayers of praise. In many ways we have lost the emphasis on prayer in many of our evangelical churches.


My family knows the power of united prayer for without the prayers of many during my long illness of 2007-2008 and then again in early 2009, I would not be alive. Medical doctors cannot explain how I was healed. They know it was miraculous. 


The story can be read in When Life Comes Undone: Walking by Faith when Life is Hard and Hope is Scarce. The truth is that these situations come to us all at one time or another. The question when they come is do we have a group of friends who will pray passionately for our situation?


We take the power of prayer too lightly, at least in the west where we can rely on our own resources to fix things. But even with us, there comes a time when we have no other resource but Jesus. None. 


As I often say, "It is a wonderful thing to come to the place where we have nothing else to rely on but God. When all of our resources are  exhausted as eventually they are we have the one thing we have had all along: Jesus. And He is enough." I would not have said that before my own dark night of the soul but I have learned that not only is He enough but He is the single most important thing I need.


One of the greatest gifts we can give those around us is to become people of prayer for them. To lift those up in our circles who are hurting, who are sick, who are without hope, who are grieving or dealing with whatever real life has dealt them. It takes intentionality on our part but it is the very gift that we would ask for in our own dark night.


Prayer bring hope, it may well bring healing. It always brings the presence of a loving father. It brings us and those we pray for into the very throne room of the Lord of the universe. It brings a smile to God's face and a blessing on those we pray for. It is a hidden gift in that those we lift up may never know this side of eternity but they will know one day. 


We need one another and Jesus far more than we know. Let's lift up those who are need of God's intervention on a daily basis. Prayers of the people are beautiful on Sundays and necessary every day.

Want the loyalty of your staff? Consider these things.

Recently I wrote a blog on "The issue of staff loyalty," which had more hits than any blog in two years. Mostly because the loyalty that many leaders ask for is neither healthy or true loyalty. 

Here is the question I want to pose? How do leaders develop true and healthy loyalty among their staff. The answer is deeply counter intuitive and the opposite of how many leaders seek to enforce loyalty. In fact, loyalty cannot be forced or enforced. But it can be nurtured and developed. It is done, however, in just the opposite way that unhealthy leaders seek to enforce it.

These are some of the qualities that build high loyalty among staff. They are practices of healthy leaders.

I want the very best for my staff and their development.I will help them become everything they can be and at the same time hold them with an open hand should it be time for them to leave and take on a larger challenge. When that day comes I will celebrate with them and help them make a healthy transition.

I will encourage them to be their own people, speak their own minds and engage with me and the team in robust dialogue as long as there are no personal attacks or hidden agendas. Every person at my leadership table is there for a reason and I want all their intellectual capital, ideas and thoughts. It is an open, candid, collegial atmosphere.

I will encourage disagreement and push back and will never marginalize anyone for doing so. Loyalty is not that you agree with me but that you want the very best for the organization and are willing to do whatever it takes to help us get there. Rather than trying to control thoughts (which never works), I will encourage candid discussion of the issues knowing that this is how we get to the best solution. I will always send the message, "I want your opinion."

I will keep my word and model integrity and honesty. The commitments, lifestyle and treatment of people by leaders breeds either cynicism or respect. There is no loyalty without well earned respect by leaders. Leaders model the behaviors and commitments that they require of staff.

I will stay connected with them so that they know I care about them and appreciate their work. Disconnected leaders send a message of lack of appreciation. I cannot be the best buddy of my staff (and that is not healthy) but I can stay connected, interested and engaged in what they are doing. This also means that I will give regular feedback on how they are doing and remove barriers they face so they can be as productive as possible.

I will compensate them fairly for the job they do. Taking advantage of people by not paying them well or fairly for their work breeds discontent with good reason. 

I will not micromanage but empower well within understood boundaries. Empowerment is one of the most powerful keys to loyalty because it sends a message of trust, competence and the desire to allow one to use all of their gifts and creativity to accomplish the outcomes of their job. Micromanagement is deeply disempowering.

I will provide maximum clarity on what our ministry is about and how we intend to get to success. Clarity is empowering and releasing because with clarity people know what direction to go and they are released to help us get there. 

I will lead from influence rather than positional authority except in those rare instances where positional authority must be used. Positional authority can be a means of control while leading from influence is a means of mentoring and empowerment. Wherever possible we want staff to make appropriate ministry decisions within the boundaries they have been given.

I will not make unilateral decisions that impact my staff without talking to them. People do not like surprises. And, senior leaders may well not have thought through all the unintended consequences of decisions made for the organization. Thus I will always consult my senior leaders prior to any major directional or policy move so that it is us making the decision, not me.

I will be candid and truthful about issues related to the organization. Staff have the right to know what challenges the organization is dealing with. Unless it is confidential, good leadership does not hide issues or spin them but shares them candidly and honestly.

I will encourage loyalty to God and to the mission of the organization rather than to me as the leader. Our mission is the strongest glue that holds us together. Loyalty to the leader is never as strong as loyalty to the mission. Leaders can disappoint and leave.   Leaders who demand loyalty are leading from a narcissistic place while leaders who encourage loyalty to the mission are leading out of servant leadership.

Ironically, leaders who don't demand loyalty but serve in ways illustrated above are leaders who have the loyalty of their staff. They did not ask for it but they earned it. In fact, good leaders don't even think about developing staff loyalty to them. They simply serve their staff well.

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Relational Intelligence

I believe there is a direct connection between the health of a church or organization and the relational intelligence of its constituency. I would argue, for instance, that churches with high levels of conflict have poor relational skills while congregations with little to no ongoing conflict have a higher level of relational intelligence. 

Relational intelligence, a part of EQ or emotional intelligence, is the ability to relate to others in healthy ways, keep personal boundaries intact, negotiate conflict or differences with others without breaking relationship, be self defined personally about what one believes even when others would disagree and not get pulled into emotional triangles or enmeshment with others. If you think about it, the lack of these skills are large contributors to conflict and relational dysfunction.

Consider personal boundaries. Any number of individuals or groups would like to pull you into their orbit, take up their cause, believe their version of events and rope you into their issues. Healthy personal boundaries recognizes this when they see it and wisely hold their own counsel rather than get pulled into other issues. One of the major reasons that conflict escalates is the lack of healthy personal boundaries.

Or consider self definition - the ability to speak one's mind with clarity even when others may disagree. When there is poor relational intelligence, rather than being self defined, individuals communicate what they think others want to hear (for reasons of acceptance). The problem is that they often cater to their audience and end up giving false impressions as to what they really believe and say one thing to one group and another to another group which causes all kinds of confusion.

One of the most critical areas of relational intelligence goes to how we handle people who disagree with us. All too often when people disagree, they are cut off from friendships, marginalized if they are staff, and labeled as disloyal and troublemakers. Think of how destructive, painful, unloving and emotionally immature this is. It is a sign of someone who is not only emotionally immature but self absorbed because the core of this behavior is totally narcissistic. Because someone has not treated me well, or disagreed with me, or taken issue with me, I can no longer trust them, don't want to relate to them and thus I will marginalize them. Notice that it is all about me.

Whole churches get embroiled in conflict when this lack of relational intelligence prevails because those who don't agree with us become the enemy and relationships are severed. Staffs become dysfunctional when senior leaders display this behavior because they are dividing their staff into two camps, the loyal and disloyal and loyalty is usually defined as "they agree with me."

Interestingly, the New Testament has a great deal to say about relationships - healthy and unhealthy and it is the healthy that define good relational intelligence. Groups with high relational intelligence can differ on major issues but remain connected, loving and committed to one another. That is not true when there is poor relational intelligence which by definition divides, escalates conflict and destroys relationships.

I tend to give those with poor relational intelligence a very wide berth because I don't want to be caught up in their relational chaos. 

We need to talk more candidly with our congregations about what God honoring relationships look like and what behaviors are destructive and decidedly not God honoring. We also need to be far more proactive in training ministry staff on issues of relational intelligence. Either we allow a relational culture that defines itself (usually negatively) or we define a God honoring relational culture and help people understand what contributes to health and what contributes to dis- health. 

Good relational intelligence:

• Does not get pulled into others issues
• Is self defined and keeps one's own counsel
• Resists triangulation and enmeshment with others
• Stays in relationship when others disagree with them
• Is not threatened by disagreement
• Forgives easily and seeks forgiveness quickly
• Does not divide people into friend and enemy camps
• Gets one's relational clues from Scripture and Jesus
• Thinks of the other's perspective as much as their own
• Tries to put themselves in the shoes of the other to understand their point of view
• Places love and grace for others above their own concerns
• Lives out 1 Corinthians 13
• Treats everyone with dignity

Would it not be great if our congregations and organizations had that kind of relational intelligence? The higher the relational intelligence of our organization the healthier it will be but the opposite is also true.