Crafting the culture of your organization

It is perhaps one of the most important jobs of a leader: crafting the culture of their organization. Whether in ministry or business, when the culture is healthy and life giving one attracts and retains the best staff and they will weather all kinds of challenges together. The corollary is that where the corporate culture is unhealthy it breeds all kinds of dysfunctional relationships, politics, lack of cooperation, turf wars and general discontent.

Leaders often pay far too little attention to culture in their desire to deliver on the bottom line but it is a big mistake. A life giving culture is one of the most important keys to ministry or business success. 

Think of all the time and energy that it expended dealing with dysfunctional relationships, politics, lack of cooperation and turf wars. Eliminate those life taking dynamics from the workplace and all kinds of great things can be accomplished. In fact, in healthy cultures these kinds of behaviors are not permitted and are anti values for the whole staff.

How does one craft a life giving culture? First leaders model what they desire from their staff. People will hear what one says but they will pay attention to what they experience with their leader. Culture always starts with leaders who either live out life giving or life taking behaviors.

Second, leaders clarify the values, guiding principles or behaviors that they expect to be lived out in the organization. Many leaders don't realize how much influence they have in this regard. If that clarity is lived out by the senior leader and his/her staff, others will start to get the picture and move in that direction.

Third, leaders make it clear that there are behaviors that are not allowed and back it up with action when necessary. When we allow dysfunctional behaviors to exist it sends a message that we are not really serious about the values we espouse.

Here are some of the cultural pieces we have been intentional about creating in ReachGlobal.

• Health: Healthy individuals, healthy teams and healthy leaders. This includes emotional, relational, spiritual and skill health.
• Robust dialogue: Any issue can be put on the table with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas.
• Graciousness: How we communicate matters and we respect one another.
• Autopsy without blame: Bad things will happen and when they do we will seek to learn from it without assigning blame.
• Whatever it takes: We will do whatever it takes to get the job done and are flexible on strategy but not on our philosophical underpinnings.
• Team: We work together well.
• Trust: We trust one another and deal with it when that trust is violated.
• Promises: We keep them.
• Development: We develop and grow people in our desire to see them reach their full potential.
• Accountability: We deal with situations where behaviors do not match our desired culture.

What culture are you creating? Is it intentional or accidental?

Relationships and influence

There is a direct and organic connection between the quality of our relationships at all levels and the influence we have with others and within our organizations. If one wants to have influence one must focus on healthy relationships.

If we see positional authority as the base of influence we miss the point! People may accede to the authority of another because of their position but they will not genuinely follow someone who they don't respect or who they don't think has their best interests in mind. And the way they judge that is usually in the quality of their interactions.

It is easy to become careless in how we interact with others. We can take them for granted, send them biting emails, be short or critical or simply not acknowledge them and their contribution. Every poor interaction is a withdrawal from our influence bank and every good interaction is a deposit. Carelessness in our relationships and interactions is devastating to ongoing influence. 

Some people I know would say that the above statement is all about "politics" and they don't like politics. I would say it is about respect and all of us want respect. It is about negotiating relationships for the best possible outcome. If we want to have influence we will focus on the quality of our relationships. It is the basis of true influence.

Apps and operating systems: Why disciplemaking programs often fail in the church

We all know the mandate of Jesus to go and make disciples. We also know that in general the church has done a poor job of helping people become genuine followers of Jesus. We are great at acculturating people into our evangelical subcultures but not so great in seeing real life transformation take place that looks like what Jesus and the New Testament describes.

I define a disciple as one who understands grace and extends it to others, who thinks like Jesus thinks and then aligns his/her priorities with those of Him and who see people as He sees them and loves them as He loves them. It is transformation of hearts, minds, lifestyle and relationships.

The question is, why does this not happen more often? We have to acknowledge that transformation is not easy and is always a work of the Holy Spirit with our cooperation. Life toward Jesus is a journey of a lifetime.

However, I believe there is another issue that short circuits the process. As people who have a program for everything we often design programs for disciplemaking - like an App that we download for our I Pad or cell phone. Then we ask people to buy the App (get involved) and put them through our process hoping they will come out the other side a better disciple.

The problem is that disciplemaking can never be related to an App or program. Rather it must be built into the fabric of our operating system as a church. Everything we do should be intentionally designed to help people move toward transformation of heart, mind, lifestyle and relationships. No ministry is exempt. No program can make disciples but the church can if it is woven into everything we do.

Ask yourself this question. What are the specific ways that everything you do in the church is designed to make true disciples? Do you believe that your design is working well and can you point to tangible results? Would you describe your strategy as more of an App or more of an operating system? Finally, would your people know how you define a mature disciple?

Signs that we live in grace

How do we measure our grace quotient? Here are some signs to consider:

• I am at peace with Jesus knowing that He forgave my sin and does so daily. I have nothing to prove to Him.
• I readily extend that grace to other hurting and broken people without judgment even when I need to speak truth into their lives.
• I am more interested in the Holy Spirit working in the lives of others than I am in trying to do so myself although I will always loving help if needed.
• I do all that I can to live at peace with others rather than in conflict.
• I extend grace to those who treat me badly even if I need to confront the behavior.
• I intentionally go out of my way to give honor and dignity to those who need it no matter their situation.
• I go out of my way to extend help and honor to "the least of these."
• I have no one that I have not forgiven for offenses committed against me or others even when that forgiveness is hard and is done as an act of obedience.
• I am willing to tell people the truth in grace knowing that ignoring issues is not grace.
• I daily seek to live out the fruit of the Spirit in my relationships with the help of the Holy Spirit
• I seek to understand the situation of others when I am irritated with them.
• I seek to live generously rather than selfishly.
• I look to the gospels and the life of Jesus to understand what it means to live in grace and extend it to others.
• I daily ask Jesus for the grace to live in grace.

The church is often a place of lies rather than a place of truth

No, I am not talking theology, especially in the evangelical world. I am talking about how we pretend we are "all together," the struggles we hide and the huge lack of transparency about our lives because it is not safe to tell the truth: That we are broken, struggling, hurting people, deeply in need of grace and deeply in need of the support of other believers if we could only tell them our need.

But in most churches, telling others our need can be dangerous. People talk, people can subtly condemn and in truth, being transparent is a threat to the system as most churches are not transparent. After all, as believers we must have our lives together.

We forget what drew people to Jesus: His indescribable grace and acceptance and love. That is also what draws people to us (if they are drawn to us) and should be the biggest magnet in the church. But that means we must major on God's grace and that those who walk through our doors will feel that grace no matter what their background or their struggles.

And this is what we cannot forget. I can know Jesus for many years and still desperately need His grace and forgiveness. The fact that I have known him does not exempt me from my need of Him. If we all understood that in the church it would be a far more transparent and grace filled place. 

Ironically, our struggles are common struggles so pretending they are not there is silly. It is also a lie. And it keeps us from supporting one another, praying for one another and doing what God does so well, extending grace to one another. 

What would it be like if our churches were the safest place on the face of the earth to be transparent rather than the most unsafe? What would it be like if rather than lying to one another (by not admitting the truth of our need) we were truthful with one another? I suspect we would be healthier people because through the grace and support of others many would get whole. And I suspect many would be drawn to us because they see in us a transparent honesty, grace and the truth that brings healing.

And it is healing that we all need.  

Ministry anchors that hold you back

Do you ever feel like there is an anchor that keeps your board or staff team from moving forward like it should? Like many of you are trying to row as hard as you can but it's like you have an anchor dragging behind you that makes the going slow and frustrating? You wish that you could cut through the water at a nice clip but each pull on the oars is hard!

Usually when this happens it is because of an individual on the board or team who don't belong there and until you move them on, the rowing will remain tough. And the team or board will grow increasingly frustrated about the slow pace given that they are throwing their energy into the process. Here are several anchors that keep boards and teams from moving forward.

Lack of clarity
Clarity is like the wind in the sail, you know clearly where you are going and therefore all hands on deck are helping move the organization in the right direction. Lack of clarity, on the other hand, is like a sail with no wind and an anchor off the back. Let's face it, if you don't know where you are going you will actually get there: wherever that is.

Lack of empowerment by leaders
Leaders who don't empower become ministry anchors! Everything ultimately comes back to them (because they  don't delegate authority and responsibility) holding things up, causing disempowerment to staff and ultimately making it all about the leader who does not trust his/her staff. Controlling leaders always hold the ministry back.

Lack of alignment
It only takes one individual who is not on board with the direction of the team to throw off the rhythm and momentum. After all you are all trying to go to a certain place but this individual does not agree and is trying to pull in another direction. Their resistance may be active or passive but it is real and it throws the rest of the team off kilter.

Inability to think at the right level
Here you have a nice board member or staff member who may well have the best interests of the ministry at heart but they cannot play at the level of the rest of of the group. In order to help them understand you spend inordinate amounts of time trying to explain. The process discourages the rest of the group and at every critical juncture you have an anchor keeping you from moving at the pace you could be moving.

Black and white thinkers
These are the individuals who don't understand nuance, or grey and for whom all issues are black and white and must be parsed that way. They become frustrating because they don't have the ability to be flexible in their thinking and flexibility is a key to a good team or board. Their stand on "principle" is so rigid that anything that violates their interpretation is a problem to them.

People who need to have their own way
I will call these people for what they are: narcissists. They are not team players. They have an agenda and they simply want their way. They may hide behind spiritual talk but the bottom line is that such talk is simply a smokescreen for their own selfishness and arrogance. These folks are deeply frustrating because they have a hidden agenda that keeps them moving in their direction at all times.

People who are not gifted for leadership
These may be deeply Godly folks who get on a board or team but who simply are not wired to lead. Making decisions that may offend someone in the congregation (and many decisions will) causes knots in their stomachs and getting them to a decision point is arduous.

I have on occasion tried to run the motor of a fishing boat without first pulling up the anchor. You realize very quickly you have a problem with forward momentum. And you pull it up. My advice to boards and teams, deal with the anchor when you have one. Not to do so is to settle for a significant momentum loss and great frustration for the rest of the team.

Leaders and their relationships

In many ways, the quality of our relationships is the acid test of God’s transformative work in our lives. As the Apostle John wrote, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers” (1 John 3:16). The same Apostle in His Gospel records Jesus as saying, “I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me” (John 17:22-23). In other words, people will know we are Christians by our extraordinary and unselfish love for one another.


Transformation of our hearts is directly connected to the transformation of our relationships. It is a full understanding of God’s grace in our lives which becomes the ground for us to extend that grace to others on a regular basis and it is grace that allows us to love and it is love that transforms relationships. When I fully grasp how Christ loved me when I was unlovable, forgave me when I did not deserve forgiveness, is patient with me when I don’t deserve his patience, continues to forgive me when I blow it – when I fully grasp the unconditional love of Christ to me – it is then that I can extend that same love to others. My ability to extend grace to others is directly connected to my understanding of the grace God has extended to me.

Transformed relationships are about treating people as God treats us, seeing them as God sees us – as individuals made in His image and of infinite worth, wanting for them what God would want for them – to reach their full potential - and extending the same value and honor to others that God does to us. While the culture of the world is to use others for our benefit, Christ followers see relationships as an extension of our relationship with Him which always wants the best for others.

This is an especially critical issue for leaders who have authority over others and whose words, actions and decisions impact others. Because leaders have an agenda – and all leaders do and must - and because leaders are result oriented – and good leaders are, there is always the temptation to use people to achieve that agenda rather than to develop a common mission and together get there through serving people and helping them flourish in the role they play.

This is always a balancing act because leadership means that we must achieve results, resources are always in short supply and getting the right people in the right seat on the bus is part of leadership. Relational stewardship in leadership is all about finding the right gifting for positions, building healthy teams and then developing people into the best they can be. Rather than using people, this is all about developing people and helping them become the person God designed them to be.

Leadership is all about relational equity. We regularly make deposits and withdrawals to that equity: Withdrawals when we disempower or in some way break trust and deposits when we treat people well and empower them. Thus transformation of our relationships is a key component not only to the love we are called to live out but to our leadership and the influence we have with others. Without healthy relationships, influence is deeply compromised.

The heart of humility

The heart of humility is understanding the two fold truth that God has given us strengths as a trust and that the rest of our portfolio is made up of weaknesses where we very much need others.

Much of my work revolves around writing whether my almost daily blog, books, or material for the organization I lead. Writing for me is relatively easy: it energizes and fills me. For most people, writing is a chore and a hassle. I thank God almost daily for His gift of writing which He gave me as a trust to use on His behalf. What I know is that it is His gift so any credit I take is stolen credit. In fact, the stronger our gifting the more credit we owe our creator who created us in Christ Jesus for good works which He prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10).

Humble individuals are very aware of their gifting. I know that God gave me several strong gifts. I also know that the source of those gifts is Christ. I am deeply thankful for how God gifted and wired me but for me to take credit for those gifts when they came from Him is to delude myself into believing I am the source. It would be like a wealthy father sharing his wealth with a son and the son taking credit for creating the wealth. Our gifting is simply those talents that Jesus talked about in his parable of the talents, given to be used for Him while He is away (Matthew 25).

False humility downplays strengths rather than recognizing them. Genuine humility recognizes those strengths as well as the source of the strengths.

Humble individuals are equally aware of their deficits and weaknesses. Each of us has a few strengths and a multitude of weaknesses. That is why we need others around us who in playing to their strengths can make up for our deficits and we theirs. The best leaders intentionally build leadership teams so that they can play to their strengths and ensure that their areas of weakness are managed by others.

One of my key partners is Gary. While I can envision the future and develop organizational strategy I am not great at working the process to get there. Gary is a master at that. Without Gary my leadership would be much less effective. The same goes for each of the ten individuals on my senior leadership team who have huge strengths in areas where I have little or none. Without them, ReachGlobal would not be what it is.

Leaders who try to go it alone delude themselves into thinking that they are good enough by themselves to accomplish the mission God has given them. I have met some of those leaders. Usually they could be called arrogant. Mostly people don’t like to work directly for them. They may have authority but they do not lead out of deep influence and they often garner more fear than respect.

The heart of humility is that whatever strengths we have were entrusted to us by our creator to use on His behalf. And the realization that in our leadership role we deeply need others and it is “us together” rather than "me" alone. In other words it is not about us! It is about a trust we have been given and a team that we need. When Paul tells us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought but to think of ourselves with sober judgement he is getting at this truth. It is not a denial of our abilities but recognition that those abilities are a trust and that we need one another.

We often make far too much a distinction between leaders and those they lead - as if the leader is a more valuable player than the individual who works in the trenches. Here is the truth: the only difference between the leader and the line individual is a matter of gifting. Without the person in the trenches the leader would have nothing to lead and without the leader the person in the trenches would not have the leadership that makes the organization as healthy or effective as it could be. Both parties deeply need one another, both are equally critical players and both have been divinely gifted by the creator with different gifts.

This is why I believe it is sinful when leaders do not treat all of those in the organization they lead with great honor. It is equally sinful when those in the organization are carelessly cynical about their leaders – some people are cynical toward all leadership and gladly admit it. In both cases there is a devaluing of individuals and the gifting God has granted to them.

Humble leaders freely give away the credit for success that comes their way and take responsibility for failures when they come. Prideful leaders do just the opposite: they take the praise for success and blame others for failures. Healthy leaders recognize that success is not about them but about the team together. As for failure, they are the leader and while they may quietly hold others accountable there is never public blame or embarrassment.

It is the heart of humility.

The dual nature of leadership

Good leadership always has two sides that must be nurtured: Heart and skill. Neither one is sufficient without the other and wise leaders pay equal attention to both. 

The author of Psalm 78 puts it in perspective when he says this about one of the greatest leaders in the Old Testament - David. "He chose David his servant and took him from the sheep pens; from tending the sheep be brought him to be the shepherd of his people Jacob, of Israel his inheritance. And David shepherded them with integrity of heart; with skillful hands he led them. (Psalm 78:72)."

When the author says that God chose David and took him from the sheep pens he is making the point that when God looks for leaders He is looking for a certain kind of leader. He is not looking for impressive looking resumes or great academic credentials. He is looking for people who have hearts of integrity - an inner life that is healthy and people who can lead others with skillful hands. The sheep pen is not where most people would look for a leader but God is not a respecter of persons.

Hearts of integrity are critical for leadership because it is out of our inner life that our leadership ultimately overflows. What is inside is what flows into our leadership. What most leaders don't understand is that before everything else, the healthier they are as people in spiritual, relational and emotional health the better leaders they will be. Those who do understand that pay close attention to the development of each of those three areas because it is health in all three that give us integrity of heart - wholeness of heart.

The other side of the coin is the ability to lead with skillful hands. There is an art to leading people. It is a unique combination of having a vision that others want to participate in, the ability to align them around a common mission, to encourage, help envision, organize and empower. Ironically one cannot do any of those well without attention to the inner life.

Because leadership is always about people one of the most important skills of a leader is to understand and relate to those they lead in a healthy and positive way. Unskilled leaders negatively impact those around them (poor EQ) while skilled leaders positively impact those around them. Healthy leaders create environments where people love to work and where the common mission is the glue that holds the team together. People skills are a huge part of the equation in leadership but leaders who don't understand and manage themselves will not understand and manage others. It always goes back to the inner life.

When we think leadership we think of the public activities of a leader. Most of what leaders do, however is behind the scenes or underneath the waterline - invisible to others. It is the stuff of self knowledge and inner health coupled with the skill of dealing with people and calling them to a cause worth giving their energy too. It is integrity of heart and skillful hands together. 

Which world are you living in: The world of mindset or the world of methods?

There is a major difference between the world of "mindset" and the world of "methodology." Think for instance of the last decades of the church where successful churches would market their methodology and other congregations would rush to put that methodology into place in their own church. Whether preaching style, music, small groups or some other ministry facet, many are quick to chase methodology that they think will get them to the next level.

Methodology matters but a whole lot less than we think. What matters much more is the mindset that we bring to our ministry leadership. Mindset trumps methodology every time. Let me explain.

In our rapidly changing world where we minister in different contexts (just think of the differing generations and needs of those generations in the local church or the different situations we face in missions depending where in the world we are) methodologies will need to be exceedingly flexible. Even methods that may be powerful drivers of our ministry today will most likely not be in ten years. 

When I talk to ministry leaders I am far more interested in their mindset than I am in their methods. In fact it is their mindset - the underlying philosophy of their ministry that tells me the most about who they are. Mindset determines ministry methodology, not the other way around.

I will often ask ministry leaders what the central focus of their ministry is: What do they do all the time as staff? One answer is to say, "We provide the very best programming possible and believe in excellence in all we do." Another might say, "We are always encouraging our people to develop relationships with non-believers and to have influence in their circle of relationships." 

Think about those two mindsets: The first is primarily about a methodology to bring people into the church while the second is about a mindset to get their people outside the church and into meaningful relationships. How they do it will vary but the mindset is a very different mindset than the first. Methodology should serve the mindset, rather than the other way around.

Your mindset sets the stage for the results you want in ministry. Strategies follow from mindset rather than the other way around.We often confuse the two but the distinction is critical.

The Jenga Syndrome

Jenga: (It is a fun game) how many pieces of wood can you take out of the stack before it collapses? Ironically it is often ministry success that causes us to slowly remove critical infrastructure from our lives until like the tower above, it falls into a bunch of pieces.


Ministry success brings added obligations and added obligations must crowd something else out. There is limited space in any life. We may start to crowd out key friendships, margin for rest, time with God, opportunity to think and read, time for community and any number of the very things that give our lives satisfaction, meaning and more importantly grounding. This does not happen quickly: like the frog in the kettle it sneaks up on us slowly until we wake up one day and find ourselves in trouble.

Here are the calls I get. "T.J. I can't do this any longer. I am tired, wiped out, empty and confused about what I should do next. Maybe I should leave my church and do something else." There is a weariness in the voice, and a loss of ministry passion and direction. 
And ironically it comes to very successful ministry leaders.

How do we avoid the Jenga syndrome as our ministries grow and we experience success?

First we need to be clear about what practices keep us healthy and grounded, personally, emotionally and spiritually and refuse to allow these practices or the space needed for them to go away. I have ten such practices that I intentionally make space for. What are yours and how are you doing with them?

Second, and this is a big principle. Never take on new responsibility without getting rid of another responsibility. The Jenga syndrome is largely a failure to understand that you cannot add responsibilities and obligations without jettisoning some other obligation. When we don't, a Jenga piece gets pulled out of our lives and often it is one of those practices that keep us emotionally, physically or spiritually healthy. We have limited time and space in our lives so something must give.

In fact, I believe that we ought to be able to identify a few critical responsibilities in our lives (four to five major ones) and that if something else is going to be added, one of the existing ones needs to be changed.

Third, resist the temptation to develop a co-dependent relationship with your ministry. We know what co-dependent relationships do to other relationships: they do the same thing when we allow this to happen with our ministry.

In a co-dependent relationship with our ministry, we think we are indispensable and whenever there is a crisis or a need, we are in the middle of it. We have not learned how to separate ourselves or our emotions or our person hood from the ministry we are a part of. The result of co-dependent relationships with our ministry is that we get hooked into too many situations and obligations.

Co-dependent relationships with our ministry start to suck us dry and the Jenga syndrome kicks in because something in our lives must give.

It is a rare individual who can see ministry success on a regular basis and stay grounded and healthy. I hope you are one of them. If you feel like you are suffering from the Jenga Syndrome, start backing up, get some help or counsel because the alternative is, well, the pieces coming apart and that is something you don't want.

The weight of a leaders words

The two boys God gave me were highly sensitive growing up to the words and reactions of their parents. I remember one time giving one of them my "look" and he responded "Don't yell at me!" Actually I had not said anything but I had communicated with my body language and he had felt the message! 

Leaders are not parents to those they lead but like parents, their words have extra weight than the words of others.

Leaders often do not appreciate how their words can hurt, wound, lift up or encourage those in their organization. Because they are leaders their words have extra weight which means that what they say and how they say it impacts people deeply, positively or negatively in significant ways. Their words carry more weight because people don't want to let them down and staff feel it deeply when words spoken carelessly come their way.

This means that leaders have a higher responsibility than others to filter and control their words (yes emails) and reactions so that they do not negatively impact others or send messages they don't want to send. 

Leaders should remember:

• Words of affirmation are huge.
• Careless passing words that construe disappointment or cynical can hurt.
• You can say a lot with body language. Be aware and careful.
• Measure your responses to control your emotions so that your emotions don't get in the way of the message.
• Think before one speaks: both about the message and the way it is delivered.
• If you are going to say hard things because you must, think carefully about how you do it and focus on behaviors rather than on motives. 
• Your words carry extra weight so use them carefully!

When God breaks our heart

I spoke recently to an individual whose heart was turned inside out by a trip he had taken to a really tough place in our world. Knowing that I travel a lot and have seen a lot he asked me, why do you think I feel this way. My answer was this: "Because your heart just became more like the heart of Jesus and His heart breaks every day for the pain, violence, sin and hopelessness of so much of our world."

Here is a principle: We don't get to choose what breaks our heart. God chooses. We simply are asked to respond to that brokenness and choose to show up and do something about it. 

I know of people whose heart was broken by the loss of a child and chose to minister to others who suffered that pain. I know of many who have become involved in matters of justice or mercy or poverty or orphans or widows or the disabled as God broke their heart. When God breaks our hearts over something He is often asking us to respond to issues that break His heart as well.

The question is whether our hearts are open to be broken or whether we have steeled ourselves from the pain and brokenness of our world. Tender hearts are like God's. Hard hearts are not.  Such is the challenge to us from Micah 6:8: "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

What breaks your heart and what are you doing about it?

In praise of small churches and their leaders

The vast majority of churches in the United States - and around the world are relatively small - and often undervalued. Because numbers are seen as the sign of success in the United States it is the mega church that gets the praise. However, the majority of believers worship in relatively small congregations and they are led by pastors as committed as those who lead large churches.

There are many advantages to a smaller congregation. It is more like family, relationships are stronger, and it is harder to get lost in the crowd. Pastors of small churches are closer to their people and often more intimately acquainted with those they lead.

Nor is there any less creativity in smaller churches. One church I know in North Dakota is providing the preaching for three tiny congregations in rural areas that are losing population via video. They have kept the doors open in communities that would otherwise lose their church because they cannot afford a pastor. They also have a staff member who travels to those communities each week to be hands on as a pastor.

I admire those pastors who are called and faithfully serve smaller congregations. They do not get the spotlight and no one flocks to their conferences. But they pastor faithfully in circumstances often more difficult than larger congregations with their resources and staff. They join the vast majority of pastors down through the centuries who have served small congregations.

Never equate success with size! It is interesting to me that the vast majority of missionaries in our organization come from smaller churches. The larger the church the fewer people they send into full time ministry. Many smaller churches are far more missional than their larger counterparts who focus on programs and attractional ministry. It is very possible that smaller churches are better able to focus on life transformation because they are more relationally based. One can hide in a large church but not in a small or mid size church.

Living an integrated life and saying no to compartmentalization

One of the greatest challenges in life is to live an integrated life where our values, practices, spiritual commitments and convictions are the same in all realms of life. Often this is not the case and it is why many Christ followers seemingly follow one set of rules in the marketplace and another in the church and can excuse behaviors or practices at work that they know do not please God.

Stephen Green, in his book Good Values: Choosing a Better Life in Business puts it succinctly. 

“Compartmentalization -– dividing up life into different realms with different ends and subject to different rules –- is a besetting sin of human beings.

"Compartmentalization is a refuge from ambiguity; it enables us to simplify the rules by which we live in our different realms of life, and so avoid – if we are not careful – the moral and spiritual questions. One of the most obvious and commonplace manifestations of the tendency to compartmentalize is seeing our work life as being a neutral realm in which questions of value (other than shareholder value) or of rightness (other than what is lawful) or of wisdom (other than what is practical) need not arise. 

"But there are many other ways in which we compartmentalize our lives. Work, family, friends, society – these are different (though often partially overlapping) realms of life, and it is all too easy, in a thousand ways, to play to different rules in each of them. 

"These different realms of being also overlap with the inner realm of the self (though none of them completely): by what star does that inner self navigate? And would it even know when it is off course? Compartmentalization helps to shut such questions out"

Compartmentalization creates a divided self because it allows inconsistency within our own lives. A divided self is not a whole or healthy self for it is by definition at odds with itself. That dissonance creates issues of conscience in the short run and a dimmed conscience in the long run. Eventually the dissonance becomes normal and we are no longer sensitive to what is truly right and what is truly wrong.

It is easy to spot compartmentalization in the lives of others. It is harder to spot it in our own and is one of the reasons we need to surround ourselves with others who can and will challenge us to follow Jesus in all areas of life.

Compartmentalization is responsible for giving Jesus a bad name as those who watch us see that our espoused values are not lived out in our lives. One of the best things we can do is to identify a set of values that we believe reflect Jesus well and live them out in every sphere of life. No compartmentalization, no dissonance, just wholeness! 

How self defined are you?

A key component of good EQ is the ability to be “self defined.” A self defined individual is one who understands who they are, is comfortable with who they are and can clearly articulate their own positions in a way that does not force others to agree and does not demonize those who disagree.

It is the ability to say, “This is what I think, (and why), now tell me how you see it.” In doing this the leader has made his or her position clear along with their rationale and has opened the door for honest conversation that can hopefully lead to a shared understanding.

Central to being self defined is to do so in a way that allows dialogue to take place even with those who might strenuously disagree with us. Some leaders cannot do this. They can state their position but cannot stay connected relationally with those who disagreed with them – thus the conversation is over without any resolution.

The ability to have a position and stay connected with others who disagree is a key component to healthy relationships. It is usually in on-going dialogue that one comes to mutually acceptable conclusions as long as we are dealing with people who also have a level of EQ health. Discussions with those who lack EQ often go nowhere. Thus our ability to understand the EQ of those we are dealing with becomes a factor in how we deal with them.

Self definition requires leaders to think well before they state a position. But their flexibility and invitation for dialogue also leaves the door open to further discussion and modification of their views. This is why a non-defensive attitude on their part is so critical. If staff know that they can honestly push back without repercussions and know they will also be heard it is often possible to come to a more refined position that works for everyone.

Self definition is a powerful leadership tool because it goes to the values, convictions, attitudes and actions that a leader has and the more consistent these are the more security those who work for them have. They know what to expect, they know what the guiding principles and convictions are and they know that these are not going to change.

For instance, all of my staff know that when something really needs to get done I will say “Whatever it takes.” Part of my own self definition is the conviction that when it is the right thing to do I will always default to that principle. Therefore, they know that they have the permission to do the same when something critical needs to happen.

The more defining the leader is the more clarity staff have on how they operate within the organization or team. My convictions on partnerships, multiplication, empowerment and team, for instance are clearly understood and become guides to staff on how they operate. My own self definition as a leader is a secure foundation for those who work with me.

Leaders who lack such definition, and are unpredictable are difficult to work for because there is not an accurate compass for others to follow. This is the case with leaders whose idea of the day becomes their mantra until the next idea pops up. Unpredictable leaders are difficult if not impossible leaders to follow.

Being self defined also means that we can separate ourselves from the issues of others and not fall into the trap of enmeshment or triangulation in relationships. We take responsibility for the issues we have with others and seek to help others resolve what they need to resolve but we are able to separate ourselves from those issues and not become drawn into them.

Moving from ambiguity to clarity

The single most important job of a leader is to ensure maximum clarity for the organization he/she leads. Without absolute clarity your people will not know what defines you, what your mission is, where you are going and what the desired end result looks like.

One of the five dysfunctions of ministries is that of ambiguity. And it is the reason that so many ministries are not more missional and effective in what they do.

This is especially true with churches. Often, churches grow to a certain size and then plateau. While many do not realize it, one of the key causes of a church to plateau is lack of clarity on mission, guiding principles, central ministry focus and the desired end result (for more information on these four areas, see Leading From the Sandbox).

Why would ambiguity cause a church to plateau? Because general clarity yields general ministry with general results. Ambiguity or lack of clarity prevents the staff from being deeply missional (we are not really clear on what we are about), aligned (around what?) and focused on clearly defined results (we have not defined those). Lack of clarity does actually cause a church to start to stall at some point and before it can move forward it must come to clarity on the four areas above. This can be true in a church of 500 or a church of 4,000.

Focused, aligned, results oriented ministry depends on a high degree of clarity regarding who the ministry is, what the culture we are trying to create is, what we need to do day in and day out and what our target is. In the absence of clarity, staff will simply do what is right in their own lives but one will not have a focused, aligned, results oriented ministry.

Interestingly enough, when a senior leader walks through the process of clarifying the essential issues (mission, guiding principles, central ministry focus and preferred result) they often discover that they don't have all the right players at the table. In the absence of clarity they have assembled some good people but not all of whom want to or can live with focused, aligned, results oriented ministry. They have not had to live there in the past and now they have a great deal more accountability for how they do what they do. In fact, they are part of the reason that the church has plateaued. Some staff would far prefer the comfort of ambiguity over the accountability of clarity.

Maximum clarity combined with truly missional staff will provide great lift for a ministry organization. If you need help in getting to clarity, Leading From the Sandbox is all about that. It is job one of a good leader and it will make all the difference in the effectiveness of the church or organization you lead. While this is a simple principle it is one that is largely not understood or practiced.

Clarity if job one for leaders!

Dealing with unhealthy or dysfunctional leaders

Coming out of some recent blogs on dysfunctional leaders the question was put to me in response, how does one confront unhealthy leadership behavior? It is a complex question since these leaders often don't play fair but I have seen this done well and I have seen it done poorly. What I will say at the outset that it is not easy. However, since an organization reflects the ethos and culture of a leader, their unhealthy behavior will directly impact the health of the organization and if not addressed for years after they are no longer in leadership.

Let me remind us of what some of those unhealthy behaviors are: The need to get one's own way, passive aggressive behavior, dividing people into camps (those who are for me and those who are against me), marginalizing those who don't agree with them, significant defensiveness, narcissism couched in spiritual language, using the God card (God told me), lack of accountability to a board or spiritual authority, inability to deal with conflict in a biblical way, words and actions which demean others, creating a culture of fear, an inability to lead, manipulating people to get their way, forcing their way through the strength of their responses and arguments which run over others and I could go on. At the bottom of this blog you will find a series of links to blogs that deal with these behaviors.

The first thing to do when you are feeling uncomfortable with a leaders behavior in any of these or other areas is to tell them how you feel. If it happens in private I would address it in private. If it happens in a board or committee meeting I would most likely address it there by saying something like, "Stu, when you respond the way you just did it feels like other opinions are not valued or that we cannot have robust dialogue around these issues. Is that your intention?" Honest feedback is critical to getting to issues with unhealthy leaders if they are going to have a chance at modifying their behavior.

If the issue is a pastor, or organizational leader, you may well need to have an executive session of the board to put the cards on the table. The goal would be to have an honest conversation, and to talk about a plan of action which must include leveling with the leader you have issues with. Certain behaviors should simply not be tolerated when they negatively impact others or hurt the organization. You may choose to get them coaching or help but what you cannot do is allow the behavior to continue. 

The marketplace is far better at this than ministries where in the name of "grace" we don't honestly confront problematic behavior. And remember, we are not judging motives but we are naming behaviors that are unacceptable. In the name of honoring our spiritual leaders we often overlook behaviors that are problematic but frankly that is why we have a plurality of leadership in the church. No one gets a pass on truly dysfunctional behavior no matter who they are.

The more severe the dysfunction, especially when it borders on pathology the more difficult it is to get through the defenses of an individual. Narcissism is a good example. A highly narcissistic individual may never understand or accept that they are in need of help. The higher the defense mechanism within an individual, the more difficult it is to address the behaviors because they are convinced that the issue is not with them. Pathological liars, for instance, believe what they are saying even when it makes no sense to others. 

Some individuals are simply living in an alternative reality field which cannot be penetrated no matter how much you desire to address it. I have come across leaders whose behavior has been deeply egregious and they are totally unable or unwilling to take responsibility or to admit issues that others around them see all too well. It is a sad reminder of our unlimited ability to deceive ourselves which is why all of us need healthy relationships, accountability and the humility to listen to others.

If there is an impasse between the leader and the supervisor or board don't hesitate to bring in a wise leadership counselor who can help put the elephants on the table and as a neutral party help bring resolution. I have often played this role with elder boards either by Skype or in person. In one case of a deeply dysfunctional leader the elders knew something was wrong but just didn't want to face the hard reality until someone gave them permission to say "this is unacceptable."

One thing to keep in mind is that with dysfunctional leaders, once people have been negatively impacted by them they often refuse to serve in leadership and often migrate out of the church or organization. After all why stay if it means one will be marginalized, not listened too or treated badly. Often those in leadership wake up one day to realize that some of their best people have left because they did not deal with the issues sooner. Ironically, the very people you need to bring the organization back to health are not with you anymore. 

The operative phrase in the title of the blog is that one should not neglect to deal with the dishealth in leadership where and when it exists. Not to do so is to abrogate our oversight or leadership responsibility to the detriment of the ministry. It is hard and needs to be done wisely and with grace and truth. The more unhealthy the leader, the more push back you will get which tells you that they are unwilling to live under Biblical accountability and authority which is a non-negotiable or those of us who serve in leadership. Or that they are unable to see their issues which is a fatal flaw that must be addressed - usually with termination.

Some blogs to consider:

Spiritual narcissism

Ambition, money, power and ministry

Why humility is so important in leaders

Five temptations leaders face

Guarding our humility as leaders

Nine overlooked but unhealthy character issues in leaders

Self Deception

The dangers of arrogance in leadership

The EQ factor in the leadership equation

Enemies of a leader's heart

Five danger zones for leaders that contribute to leadership failure

The art, gift and maturity of graciousness in leadership

Think of the Fruit of the Spirit: Love, joy, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self control. Then think about the critical way in which we often communicate in meetings, personally or worse in email.

I recently saw a communication (email) from a staff member to his supervisor, both had fairly high level roles and thought "Oh My!" I would never send that to my supervisor or for that matter to a staff member who reported to me. It was blunt to the point of being unkind, black and white in its analysis and made assumptions that I suspect were not fair. It was unkind and very inappropriate.

Now we have a  no elephants policy in ReachGlobal where anything can be put on the table with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas. That is not a license to be unkind, unfairly critical or to disempower others by our attitudes, words or actions. In fact, the freedom to speak candidly raises the stakes in doing it well if we are going to be heard.

This goes as well to comments we make to others about different leaders and divisions. It is easy to be critical but have we walked in their shoes? Have we talked to them to discover the reasons for why they do certain things? Have we worked with them on potential solutions? 

Good leaders are critical thinkers but not critical people. They are also flexible in their analysis understanding that there are a variety of perspectives and issues that inform any action. I will never put a non critical thinker into a leadership position. Nor will I put a critical person in a leadership position. Leaders who cannot live out the essence of the gifts of the Spirit in their leadership role will never be good spiritual leaders.

The sign of a good leader is the ability to be circumspect in their thinking, communication and relationships. It is the ability to hold an opinion loosely - knowing there may be information you don't know. It is also the ability to speak candidly but without the kind of strong words that elicit reactions that shut down discussion. It is truth spoken with grace.

Great article from the Wall Street Journey on the perils of "Wannabe cool" Christianity.

This article says a lot about many churches today. And it is not the kind of church I seem to read about in the New Testament - contextualization aside. It is well worth a read!

The Perils of "wannabe cool" Christianity

Why dysfunctional leaders often have an advantage over others

Many of my associates agree with me that there seem to be a higher percentage of unhealthy/dysfunctional leaders in the ministry arena than in other leadership arenas. I suspect that there are several reasons for our inability to deal with many of these situations and it goes to a central principle: Many dysfunctional leaders have an advantage over those they lead.

One: How do you question God's "call" for even someone who is dysfunctional? Of course, just because they have a call does not mean we should allow them to accommodate that "call" in our ministry organization or church. But such God talk is a powerful inhibitor to dealing with unhealthy leaders. It amazes me constantly how often boards know that they have a problematic leader on their hands but simply don't deal with it. 

Two: Dysfunctional leaders often don't play fair which leaves the rest of us at a disadvantage. I have seen cases where pastors are at odds with their boards but threaten to take the issues public with the congregation which is a threat to split the church. Most leaders won't go there - they are in a lose/lose situation and the senior leader is not playing fair. 

Three: Dysfunctional leaders are often very strong individuals who need to have their own way and whose strong personality literally intimidates those who might disagree. I call these folks "forces of nature" and most people will back down in the face of that pressure. Wherever you have a pattern of intimidation by a senior leader in order to get their way it needs to be dealt with because it is not fair play.

Four: Dysfunctional leaders are often very good at talking and debating. Most of the population is not leaving them at a huge disadvantage in trying to have a conversation when there are differences of opinion. Monopolizing the conversation is a means of retaining control of the agenda and the outcome.

Five: Dysfunctional leaders often use the "I know what the ministry needs" language which suggests that those around him/her have lesser ability to discern what is good and right. This is why God designed church leadership as a team, not an individual. 

These five tendencies give dysfunctional leaders an advantage over others whether other staff or boards. Unless they are called on it! And they should be. Don't let this kind of behavior in ministry leadership go unchallenged. It is unhealthy, about the leader, and will lead to unhealthy consequences.

A very real gospel for very dark places - with YouTube link

From 1960 to 1971 I had the privilege of living in Hong Kong. Just blocks from where I lived in Kowloon City, near the old Kai Tak Airport (for those who remembering flying into) it was a slum of buildings called the Old Walled City. It was about 6.5 acres and was home to some 33,000 people. 

By the treaty that ceded Hong Kong Island and 12 square miles of Kowloon to Britain, and then the New Territories, this 6.5 acre site which was once a walled city remained the sovereign property of China. As a result, Hong Kong authorities had no real ability to police what went on inside. It became a warren of gangs, illegal activities, brothels, opium dens and the home to those who wanted to avoid the authorities. It was a rare occurrence that the police entered and when they did it was only in groups for their own safety.

As a youngster I went into the Old Walled City with an elderly Mennonite missionary who worked there. It was an experience one will never forget. Later on a missionary by the name of Jackie Pullinger worked in the city and was a light for the gospel in a very, very dark place.

Before Britain returned Hong Kong to China, Beijing asked them to tear down the slum that was the Old Walled City so they did not need to deal with it when they assumed control of Hong Kong. It is now a 6.5 acre park.

However, the story of the gospel in that dark place is deeply moving and I would urge you to take a few moments and watch this YouTube video of the slum and Jackie's take on how the gospel can transform even the most evil and dark places. As you watch think about the places where you know the gospel needs to penetrate today. It is a moving piece of history and ministry from Hong Kong - my home in my heart forever.

You cannot watch these five minutes and remain unchanged! If you do not see the video picture click here!

The challenge for leaders in their fifties and sixties

Leaders in their fifties and sixties face some unique challenges. How they handle those challenges determines whether they continue to grow as leaders and lead well or coast toward retirement.

It is easy for all of us to move toward our comfort zone and lose the leadership edge as we age. Furthermore, somewhere in their fifties someone who has led fairly well is often situated with a comfortable job, salary and having paid their dues can go on autopilot and for a time, no one will notice. For a time - but not forever.

The temptations are many. There is the temptation not to take on new challenges because of the physical and mental energy that new challenges take. There is the temptation not to make hard choices that will require one to cause waves. There is the temptation to not continue to pour oneself into new learning but to rest on what we have learned in the past. There is the temptation to stay where one is even when we know that we are not leading well because we are paid comfortably.

It takes a wise leader to realize that they are too comfortable, need a new challenge and are willing to take the steps to continue to grow, develop and stay energized. That does not necessarily mean a new job - although it may. It does mean a focused effort not to move into the comfort zone or to coast but to stay in the game as long as we are leading.

The signs of coasting include boredom, not taking on new initiatives, not pressing the missional agenda as we once did, questions from staff like "where are we going?" and the inability to make hard calls that need to be made.

When we are no longer willing to pay the price of hard calls that are necessary to be made we have moved from leading to comfort. One pays a price for hard calls, whether it be staff transitions or strategic decisions and when we are no longer willing to pay that price we have lost our ability to lead - even though we still have the title.

Leadership is a trust. Leaders are stewards of that trust. Good leaders don't violate that trust by moving into the comfort zone. Many do.

Coaching those with poor EQ

It is not easy to coach those with poor EQ (Emotional Intelligence) precisely because it usually means that they do not understand how their actions, words or attitudes impact others. In fact, part of good EQ is understanding ourselves and how we are perceived by others and how we impact others. If my own self awareness is low it is very hard to understand why I might have a negative impact on those around me.

So how does one coach those whose self awareness is low? While not easy I have several suggestions.

First, and this is not easy, it is critical to have an honest and direct conversation with the one being coached on how they are negatively impacting others. Because their self awareness is low they will probably not have a flash of understanding and thank you for your concern. Rather, they will likely become defensive or seem clueless as to what you are talking about. Since they are not very self aware your news will be news to them and they often will not initially believe you.

That is why it is critical, second, to give them very concrete examples of what you are talking about: "Tim, in that meeting when you....this is how it was perceived by others and this is why they reacted negatively to you." Concrete examples are absolutely essential if you want someone with poor EQ to understand what you are talking about. They are likely to push back and say something like "well that is who I am" or "I am just being honest." While both may be true they need to understand that how they did what they did was disempowering to others and not acceptable in your organization.

Third, people with poor EQ often need very practical tools for avoiding problematic behaviors. So for instance, one friend I have been coaching tends to shut down when criticized - a bad thing for a leader to do. My suggestion to him was simple. When tempted to shut down, immediately engage. In other words the emotion to shut down should be a trigger and a reminder to engage, the very thing that will allow him to change the perception that when challenged he goes silent. Giving practical tools for dealing with EQ deficits can change the equation for one who wants to grow.

Fourth, give ongoing, direct, fast and candid feedback (in private) whenever problematic behaviors emerge. It is the very thing needed because philosophical discussions about EQ don't work with those who have deficits. They need clear examples. This can be followed up by the question, how might you respond differently in the future in order to get a different outcome? Again, that goes to developing their response toolbox.

Finally, if you are dealing with significant deficits be clear that their behaviors will not work in your organization and they need to get very serious about resolving them. Some need to understand that if they do not manage themselves better they may actually need to move on. 

Theology and leadership dichotomies

I am always bemused by the artificial dichotomy that many believers seem to have between spirituality and leadership or theology and leadership. It comes up in statements like "You cannot run a church like a business" as if all business principles are exclusive from church management: HR; budgets; plans; accountability; staff reviews; healthy teams; and the like. I want to say "really?" "Have you thought about that?"

Just recently one of those reviewing one of my books on Amazon wrote this: "He gives some good practical guidance but seems to be more from a CEO perspective than a theological one." Now that assumes that the Bible has nothing to say about leadership and teams or that good leadership and healthy teams are just that and have no spiritual significance. Do good leadership and healthy teams not matter in the ministry arena? I suspect many in the ministry arena wished their leaders had just an ounce of CEO perspective in them!

Why do we make such dichotomies? If you have ever served in a ministry capacity you know that leadership principles matter as much there as they do anywhere else. I suppose some need a proof text for everything but that is not what the Bible is for. I suspect the stakes are even higher in the ministry arena on the leadership side as the end results are eternal rather than temporal.

It is said of David that he led them with "skillful hands and integrity of heart." There you have the both and rather than the either or. Skillful hands has to do with good and wise leadership while integrity of heart has to do with the spiritual underpinnings from which that leadership came.

Don't dichotomize what God does not. It is black and white thinking that does not do justice to Scripture or the realities in which we live.

Emotional Intelligence and the Holy Spirit

Daniel Goleman (a great author on this subject) did not invent EQ - God did. Emotional intelligence is all about managing our emotions so that they do not get us into trouble and allow us to keep healthy relationships. 

In that light, the Fruit of the Spirit, for instance takes on new meaning. "Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control." All of these would be considered good EQ! The acts of the lower nature (Galatians 5) would be considered bad EQ: fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy..and the like.

Think of some of the admonitions of Ephesians in this regard:

• Be completely humble and gentle
• be patient, bearing with one another in love
• Make every effort to keep the bond of peace
• put off falsehood and speak truth fully
• Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry
• Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs
• get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice.
• Be kind and compassionate
• Forgive one another

All of these behaviors are pleasing to God and all are signs of good emotional intelligence as we manage our emotions and reactions in ways that are productive rather than unproductive.

So think about this: Christ followers above all should have some of the best cultivated EQ because for us it is both a matter of obedience to Jesus and we have the Holy Spirit to help us make it a reality in our everyday experience. 

Good EQ is not a secular concept but a deeply biblical one. Growing our EQ is part of growing into who God designed us to be through His Holy Spirit. As a student of EQ in the secular literature and the Scriptures I am constantly reminded that EQ is a deeply biblical principle. 

Avoiding emotional triangles

One of the signs of healthy emotional intelligence is the ability to be "self defining" - having one's own view and opinion of situations and people without being "drawn into" the opinions or issues of others. Both emotional triangles and enmeshment are signs of poor EQ, whether by the one who does the triangulation or the one who is drawn into the triangulation.

For instance, it is not unusual for someone who has an "issue" with another individual to seek to draw other people into their "issue" by speaking ill of them (often subtly to first see if there is resonance) and looking for others to join them in their opinion. This makes the one with the "issue" feel better (they have others who now share their opinion) and it allies others with them against the one with whom they have an issue. It can be very subtle but the results are not!

This often happens in families, in workplaces, in ministries and in congregations. It divides people, hurts relationships and can cause relational chaos on a team or within a group. And it is a sign of poor emotional intelligence on the part of the perpetrator as well as those who choose to join the perpetrator.

Individuals with healthy emotional intelligence keep their own counsel on people and situations. They do not allow themselves to be drawn into alliances with others against others. They are able to think for themselves and understand that they are responsible for their relationships with both parties and they do not allow others to define those relationships for them.

In addition, they immediately recognize when someone tries to "draw them in" that what they are hearing is probably not reality - that there is a reason that they are being lobbied toward a certain view or attitude. In fact, rather than being drawn in, emotionally healthy individuals immediately recognize that they are dealing with someone with poor EQ and they are wary of the information they are receiving.

How can one deal with situations where one is being subtly lobbied to agree with one party against another (triangulation)?

First, understand that your responsibility is for your relationships and that you need to be "self defined" and come to your own conclusions about people and situations. Healthy self defined people do not allow others to define reality for them.

Second, realize that anyone who triangulates is not operating out of healthy emotional intelligence and rather than solve the issue they have with others they instead seek to ally others with them against those with whom they have issues. Think about the difference between those two approaches! Which would be the biblical approach?

Third, do not give sympathy to the one seeking to triangulate which only feeds their unhealthy practice. Instead, ask clarifying questions that might help them understand that their perspective may not be the only way to look at the individual they are unhappy with and encourage them to deal with the relational disconnect rather than to draw others into their issue. When we give sympathy in the absence of personal information we become complicit in the problem.

Fourth, ask who could meet with the one with the offense and the one who is being marginalized by the one with the offense to bring understanding and reconciliation. Their willingness to deal with their issue when called on it will tell you a lot about their real motives.

Don't get caught in the deadly web of triangulation. It is unhealthy, it destroys relationships and it hurts ministry. Furthermore it is a sign of poor emotional intelligence and the inability to be self defining.

What would happen in our churches if.....

What would happen if...

We challenged all of our college age kids to take one year to do some kind of holistic ministry either nationally or internationally?

We offered every high schooler an adult mentor who would meet with them, pray for them and encourage them?

We offered every newly married couple an older married mentor couple?

We told people that generosity with God was a joyful way to live?

We helped all of our people use their gifts in meaningful ministry rather than simply filling ministry slots we have created?

We encouraged ten percent of our congregation to give two weeks to ministry either locally, domestically or internationally every year?

We valued our seniors as much as we did our young folks?

We showed everyone how they could form their own prayer team to pray for them regularly and for them to be transparent with?

We encouraged every family to develop a relationship with a family from another racial group?

We asked every small group to do four compassion projects locally each year?

We focused on life transformation more than programming?

We did less programming so people could develop relationships with each other and unbelievers?

We read through the Bible as a congregation every other year - the whole thing?

We challenged people to see people as God sees them and love them as He loves them - starting with one another?

We became known for the church that loves people and helps them in practical ways?

What would you add?

Simple concepts - Powerful outcomes